Unformed after all these years

50, and still unformed, undecided, living without passion
But is it over? I am living with a silent, unspoken unacknowledged fear that I have allowed that says it is too late
too late to make anything of my life
I will die without power
without having lived a powerful life
i will have been here, gone through the motions
minimised the commotions
and disappeared
But there is Ben
There is my dogs
And there is Helen
And I am here,
and I am able
I need to know what to do that will form me
JK wrote a book
what can I do
I am not a corporate captain
I have no special skill or genius to share
I am ordinary
but I have one thing:
insight
uncommon insight
the fact that I have done nothing with it to date
the fact that I have not even dared do anything with it,
that is my failure
I have been given the gift of knowing
I know things about life, 
and I have not lived the things I know
I have revelled in the moments of enlightenment
and promptly faded when time came to act
drifted

So I sit here asking
I am 50
what must I do with the next 10 years
when I am 60 will I be reading this wondering where the years went?
I will be the father of an 11 year old boy who will know that his father is lost
can I sit here now and find myself?

yes yes, I want to cut loose and run
and be free
but that is not the way open to me

please God, I know nothing
Please show me the way
Let it come to me and let me recognise it
I was born with the seeds of greatness
within
how can I be great
a Great man
I have wanted to be  a VWM
but what about a GM
who do i think is great?
an orator?
was Hitler great?
churchill?
 or sergey brin?
I take Sergey
But I have none of his qualities
I just love Google power
everything is connected 
so connected
except me of course, I am disconnected
often
connect me!
please God, connect me
I don't believe God is hearing this plea.
So will I remain lost?
Will I turn to my own devices?
Look where I am now, and how that has worked
chemistry will take me there
but where am I headed?
I need to be clear - where am I going?
what do I want

I want to sit here and write this shit
is it shit? Is it useful?
God knows
But I do not know God
Nah, not true, I do, sometimes
I see the spotted eel, and I hear the chirping birds before the morning light
So all is not lost
I can be found
it is not too late