no more

would i miss not being here tomorrow? i would miss this quiet space. for the rest of it all, no, i would miss none of it. if i went now, i would go happily. it is wrong to feel this way. but it is how i feel. i need to change it, but i do not have the energy to change it. i should just top up my life insurance and let myself go. call my bluff. Am I important to myself? Am I important to God? I don't know. what you put in is what you get out. right now I am putting in nothing. i just want to do nothing. i am chemically out of it. enjoying it on the one hand, knowing that there is a price to pay later on. fuck.