I want

If I believe that there is a God, then there is
and if I beleive that there is no god, then there is no god
and this is true for me
and it will be how I experience Life

and I know that I experience Life as a diret result of what I put in
and because i like to cruise, I very often feel very little
and then I eat a lot
because I feel emptiness, a void

and I try control my eating by writing this blog
but all my insights amount to nought
because i have not changed the things I do
because I have not made a decision about what I want to do
for myself
for myself

I am selfish, and yet I am not
and yet I am
but selfish as I am, I never get to do what I want to do
I believe that no matter what I do, Helen will stop me from doing what I really want to do
Okavango, surfing on an island, being a barista (really?)

Part of me does not want to try harder because no matter how hard I try, the life I live will not be the life I want to live, so I may as well just be happy with the way I live now, and maintain the status quo. I do not want to move on. I want to do nothing. do the minimum. 
But in fact, life, I know is about change, and I will never be allowed to stay the same. i might die trying. Part of me wants to die anyway so who cares.
but I speak today from that part of me that has some life left.

See I am not a driven man.
I am not out to prove anything to anyone.
Quite the opposite.
I am here to do nothing, prove nothing, just live on a chemically perfect high
Joke
I took a Demazin 10 mins ago to do just that - or to allow me to think clearly enough to make a plan and shift myself.

But let me be honest. Let me know, for myself, what it is I would love to do with my life here on earth right now.
Nothing.
OK
Besides nothing
eat
spend
travel
shop
ie nothing
no contribution
really Ivan? Is that me?

No. I love giving. I love making people feel good about themselves.
I really do.
But how do I make a living like that.
What do I need to do anyway?
Fuck I am lost.

I will now go and put on Tefillin.

I still must speak to Sue, Blessing, Montessori
the pressure of Helen
I seek to escape that
but then what?
I sink
really, left to my own devices, would I sink?
without a plan, yes, I will sink
i need to elevate
 say the shema
say the b'tifarah
come on Ivan.
don the Tefillin

then come back here.

 

Am I selfish?