25/9 day one
I made it.
I was totally fucked, recovering from yesterday's binge.
Yes, I am governed by my chemistry, and my chemistry is governed by several things, of which the food I eat is one.
And I know that I eat bad food for me because I do not know what to do with myself.
But I do know tht eating bad good makes me a failure for my boy.
Eating well is not the be all and the end all, but eating badly is the end all.
So my life is not perfect f I eat perfect, but my life is totally fucked if I eat badly.
I am an addict. One taste des it all. One bad thing leads to another
Part of me wants em to get sick from eating badly to tach me a lesson so I will never do it again. but i WILL. So that is not going to do the trick.
I want to go for 70 days clean.
Se what happens.
I do not know
all i do know is this - if i eat badly for the next 70 days, i will fuck my life up.
i will not be inspired, i will not be a vwm, nor have the vision of being a vwm.
26/9 day two
I did not make it afterall. Before going to bed I slipped and ate a handful of chili salt flavor crisps laden with oil. Oh yes, that was not a free fuckup. I paid the price in the form of sweating, dreaming, waking up totally fucked in the head and worse off for yoga. I really paid a heavy prce for a very mild and average treat.
Now, today the world is upon my head with software issues with DM new version DLL and other heaviness of moving house and country and what the fuck not.
So to resolve it all I had another espresso at melissas and then to round that off I had an awful apple tart at milano like a pig.
how I hate myself for this.
i feel like a wreck
Out of control and unhappy. not the energy of a VWM.
who is it within me that keeps on pushing me to break myself. how far can i go until i push myself over the limit and into the void. who wants that for me?
who is it within me that likes me to be greedy for bad mood food. bmf
own up reveal yourself so that I can shoot you
but you are me
so i cannot do that
see what I am trying to do here is write the operfect sentence that will sustain me we temptation arises and my defences are down
but i know that i am trying to do somehting impossible. because in the heat of the moment, the sentence fails me, and the food overcomes me.
so there is no way
i have to make a decision.
but when i make a decision, i am immediately tested and i always fail
oh i am so trapped
and lost
and so low
a miserable wretch
i want to run away from myself, the world, everyone
but i cannot, because people need me here
ben needs me, heidi and humphrey need me
i cannot be unfaithful
they need me
i am not loved
i am needed
i need to be loved by myself, for myself
but i am unworthy because i eat like a pig
all i am asking for is to be clean for 70 days
and now i have to start over. i have already slipped
pick myself up
start again
i need to do this not for myself, but for my kids
i need to be great for them
i cannot be great if i am an undisciplined eating wanking sob
i can be great if i eat clean, yoga daily, tefillin daily, and bring the VWM to the fore.
i am the elephant being pushed up a hill by helen
i want ot be the self pwered VWM flying up up and away powered by myself
i need to know what i want
for myself
and i need to know that i am here for my kids and i am the man they can rely on
what this amounts to is me - where do i want ot be in 10 years from now. doing what, being who? i need to work at something in order to attain it
10 years of great eating will get me there - yes - but only if i have a goal i love
god i am so lost
is it to be a world class blogger?
what the fuck is that?
how does that pay the rent
and how do i write stuff that is positive, not negative
that is a pipe dream
what is a real dream? solid
what is solid about me
what do i really really really want for me?
for me myself i
is it to be a great dad?
what does that take?
i need to be a VWM to be a great dad
it takes a lot of money
how do i get to be great at something?
practice
question is - practice what?
for what?
what can i do that i can excel at because i want to excel at it?
i need god to tell me, show me, guide me
because i am blank
i just do not know
oh yes, give me nothing
as in - time to do nothing
that is what i want
and so i will have nothing to show
because no effort means nothing to show
i need to do what i can do well and share with others.
i could help others ]but helen would laugh at my efforts
unless i do it properly
what help could i offer?
i need to lead by example
eat clean
yoga
prayer
vision
then next level beat
i need to represent the thing i am talking about
i need to live it
then i can lead by example
at the moment i want to lead by advice
fuck yeah
who is going to listen to a fucking addict?
actually thw world is populated by 99.9% addicts
so i am not alone
but i need to break free and experience freedom from addiction
no coffee ?
no, tha tis not the thing
just clean my act up
clean and strong
that is me
lead by my own example
see this does inspire me
because i love clean energy
feeling great with clean energy
so i am saying clean chemistry is a an end in itself
if i am chemicially good then life is good
that is my premise
and that is my promise
then i can sail
then i can fly
then i will not be the obstacle that i need to get over
because life is not an obstacle course
but i can be
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