I live in such an amazing world. And I waste so much of it, going through the motions, killing time. Eating my way through the day. Struggling with trivial things in the name of daily survival.
And the struggle is really chemical. When my chemistry is out, I resonate on a level that is flat. And I feel so hopeless really.
And yet last week I was a VWM, I tasted it. And today there is nothing. I put myself in the hole by eating like a pig. I don't give myself a chance. I keep testng to see how fat i can go until i make myself sick. punishing me in the eye. what drives this insane behaviour? lack of vision. lack of drive. i do not know what to do with myself. i am so lost. i need to be driven. but i am not driven. i see only as far as the next mouthful.
turn it around.
i am an explorer. yay. i go to machu picu and climb the mts in peru.
actually i would rather go surfing on an island.
when all is said and done i would really love to win the lotto. that is my salvation. becasue then i can afford to feel tired and lost. see when i am like this i feel scared, vulnerable to the attacks of helen.
i just want to be left alone when i am low
and i am low
flatliner
me
even the slightest blip is an obstacle
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