Clean 70 Day 6

Alas, I failed myself.
Yesterday was a disaster.,.
after getting up and out of bed by Ben at 04h30 and enjoying the silence ofthe day and seeing the light as far as small treats go, I went and backlashed and ate myself like a pig, all the Ostrich in the freezer, and i did not even enjoy eating it, but finish the huge double portion, I did.
I went to bed feeling stuffy and woke up stuffed.
I am not feeling good. I feel like small things are huge things.
I have to give notice on Buxton today. Deal with Blessing. Go to Montessori Stepping Stones. Gosh. 

I keep getting the insights, and then I still keep fucking myself up in a differnt way.
I do not know what to do with myself.
I feel guilty, a vague sense of guilt, gnawing away at me. I do not know what is it from.Fear based. Not doing enough. Cruising. Not getting out of my comfort zone actively. I want to lie back and chill.Leave me a lone. Cut me out. Leave me alone, but do not leave me. Stay with me and stay out of my space.

I am driven to write because I know that as much as I write I am driven to eat like a pig and stuff myself up and do myself in, and I do not know why. I feel so empty inside.
tee hee

why does this emptiness arise?
because I not doing anything fulfilling with my time, with my life
I am indeed going through the motions
and I have made eating my goal
and so what of it
when i am on my deathbed will I say I was a disciplined eater and so I go peacefully now
what do i need to do
pray harder
better more?
earn more?
do more of what?
do less of what?
do something totally new?

i am lost
back to being lost
please god, find me
keep me
show me
no i am fearful of being shown for i may not like what is found, and what needs to be done
and it is all so meaningless - i fear that it is all for nothing in the end
wow
i am fearing that whether i am good or bad, in the end, it makes no difference
but i do not believe that really
and yet i do not want to change

my comfort zone is where i want to be
leave me alone in my space 

see i want to eat clean so i do not feel bad
but perhaps i feel bad because i am bad
face  that
or perhaps i need to pray 
and become good