Being practical

The truth is, I have being practical - as in making a practical plan to live my life by
I cannot plan anything really
I just want be here and let it all unfold
but what?
nothing unfolds without a vision, a plan
that is where change steps in
tomorrow will be like today, only different, because change has made it so
it may be the weather, the mood, the tides, the people around me
But if I have no determination
then I am subject the to the moods of others
and they will attack me because if I am undetermined, I am vulnerable
 

Unformed after all these years

50, and still unformed, undecided, living without passion
But is it over? I am living with a silent, unspoken unacknowledged fear that I have allowed that says it is too late
too late to make anything of my life
I will die without power
without having lived a powerful life
i will have been here, gone through the motions
minimised the commotions
and disappeared
But there is Ben
There is my dogs
And there is Helen
And I am here,
and I am able
I need to know what to do that will form me
JK wrote a book
what can I do
I am not a corporate captain
I have no special skill or genius to share
I am ordinary
but I have one thing:
insight
uncommon insight
the fact that I have done nothing with it to date
the fact that I have not even dared do anything with it,
that is my failure
I have been given the gift of knowing
I know things about life, 
and I have not lived the things I know
I have revelled in the moments of enlightenment
and promptly faded when time came to act
drifted

So I sit here asking
I am 50
what must I do with the next 10 years
when I am 60 will I be reading this wondering where the years went?
I will be the father of an 11 year old boy who will know that his father is lost
can I sit here now and find myself?

yes yes, I want to cut loose and run
and be free
but that is not the way open to me

please God, I know nothing
Please show me the way
Let it come to me and let me recognise it
I was born with the seeds of greatness
within
how can I be great
a Great man
I have wanted to be  a VWM
but what about a GM
who do i think is great?
an orator?
was Hitler great?
churchill?
 or sergey brin?
I take Sergey
But I have none of his qualities
I just love Google power
everything is connected 
so connected
except me of course, I am disconnected
often
connect me!
please God, connect me
I don't believe God is hearing this plea.
So will I remain lost?
Will I turn to my own devices?
Look where I am now, and how that has worked
chemistry will take me there
but where am I headed?
I need to be clear - where am I going?
what do I want

I want to sit here and write this shit
is it shit? Is it useful?
God knows
But I do not know God
Nah, not true, I do, sometimes
I see the spotted eel, and I hear the chirping birds before the morning light
So all is not lost
I can be found
it is not too late
 

JK

Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy to finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one area where I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter, and a big idea. And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
 – J. K. Rowling, "The fringe benefits of failure", 2008.^[50]

I am good at this

I know the power of chemistry upon the quality of the life I live
Why not share this?
I have ten years of practice
and it will still be relevant in ten years time

this is what I know:

1. I am governed by my chemistry. when my chemistry is fucked, my life is fucked
2. I can influence my chemistry and sometimes even control it
• Food
• Exercise
• Prayer
• Money - hope

In my case, I am most susceptible by food.

Like Maria Montessori, can I help people?
she went from being a doctor to being an educator
But she was always out there
and she was always used to being a leader a natural leader
I am not a leader
I am not powerful when I am out there
I am best when I am at my desk
can I help people from my desk?
Well, JK Rowling did
She entertained the world from her desk, from her coffee table in a shop
 

My son

Ben is my son
I have done nothing for his future 
I have set no example
i am just carrying on
I am not the VWM, I am not the VWD, the VWF
I am a small man
and Ben would not look up to me

Indeed, he will look at me and just think - so he had me;
that is all

I need to be an example

Is it too late?
I am 50
I have 20 years until Ben is 21
I have 20 years ntil I am 70
I am in good shape
that is my blessing
so I can do somehting real in the next 20 years
and the next 10 too
what is it?
i can start with today and end up with in 10 years time and say I followed through and I enjoed it
and I was good at it
and I leave a legacy
coffee or software
these are the two things

coffee takes capital
software takes me pushing developers to do stuff on spec
but i could put capital into the software too

coffee is good because it is physical
but it takes me employing people
and I am not good at leading people
in fact I am clueless
software is better suited
and more scaleable
because ok look at this
i could be a lone barista
or a lone develper
but i will reach more people with software

Desire

Desire
I need to have a desire
Worthy of pursuit
that activates me
for I see that I assume I will be here tomorrow,
So why do anything today?

I need a project that fills my time, and feels worthy and helps make a difference

look at the google guys
they made it easy and efficient to search the net
they helped me
I want to do the same thing
what would I be qualified to do in that realm?

see, helping others does not mean charity
working is helping
whenever you make another persons life easier, you have created someting new and helped them
and then you can help others in charity as well
 

I want

If I believe that there is a God, then there is
and if I beleive that there is no god, then there is no god
and this is true for me
and it will be how I experience Life

and I know that I experience Life as a diret result of what I put in
and because i like to cruise, I very often feel very little
and then I eat a lot
because I feel emptiness, a void

and I try control my eating by writing this blog
but all my insights amount to nought
because i have not changed the things I do
because I have not made a decision about what I want to do
for myself
for myself

I am selfish, and yet I am not
and yet I am
but selfish as I am, I never get to do what I want to do
I believe that no matter what I do, Helen will stop me from doing what I really want to do
Okavango, surfing on an island, being a barista (really?)

Part of me does not want to try harder because no matter how hard I try, the life I live will not be the life I want to live, so I may as well just be happy with the way I live now, and maintain the status quo. I do not want to move on. I want to do nothing. do the minimum. 
But in fact, life, I know is about change, and I will never be allowed to stay the same. i might die trying. Part of me wants to die anyway so who cares.
but I speak today from that part of me that has some life left.

See I am not a driven man.
I am not out to prove anything to anyone.
Quite the opposite.
I am here to do nothing, prove nothing, just live on a chemically perfect high
Joke
I took a Demazin 10 mins ago to do just that - or to allow me to think clearly enough to make a plan and shift myself.

But let me be honest. Let me know, for myself, what it is I would love to do with my life here on earth right now.
Nothing.
OK
Besides nothing
eat
spend
travel
shop
ie nothing
no contribution
really Ivan? Is that me?

No. I love giving. I love making people feel good about themselves.
I really do.
But how do I make a living like that.
What do I need to do anyway?
Fuck I am lost.

I will now go and put on Tefillin.

I still must speak to Sue, Blessing, Montessori
the pressure of Helen
I seek to escape that
but then what?
I sink
really, left to my own devices, would I sink?
without a plan, yes, I will sink
i need to elevate
 say the shema
say the b'tifarah
come on Ivan.
don the Tefillin

then come back here.

 

Am I selfish?

Clean 70 Day 6

Alas, I failed myself.
Yesterday was a disaster.,.
after getting up and out of bed by Ben at 04h30 and enjoying the silence ofthe day and seeing the light as far as small treats go, I went and backlashed and ate myself like a pig, all the Ostrich in the freezer, and i did not even enjoy eating it, but finish the huge double portion, I did.
I went to bed feeling stuffy and woke up stuffed.
I am not feeling good. I feel like small things are huge things.
I have to give notice on Buxton today. Deal with Blessing. Go to Montessori Stepping Stones. Gosh. 

I keep getting the insights, and then I still keep fucking myself up in a differnt way.
I do not know what to do with myself.
I feel guilty, a vague sense of guilt, gnawing away at me. I do not know what is it from.Fear based. Not doing enough. Cruising. Not getting out of my comfort zone actively. I want to lie back and chill.Leave me a lone. Cut me out. Leave me alone, but do not leave me. Stay with me and stay out of my space.

I am driven to write because I know that as much as I write I am driven to eat like a pig and stuff myself up and do myself in, and I do not know why. I feel so empty inside.
tee hee

why does this emptiness arise?
because I not doing anything fulfilling with my time, with my life
I am indeed going through the motions
and I have made eating my goal
and so what of it
when i am on my deathbed will I say I was a disciplined eater and so I go peacefully now
what do i need to do
pray harder
better more?
earn more?
do more of what?
do less of what?
do something totally new?

i am lost
back to being lost
please god, find me
keep me
show me
no i am fearful of being shown for i may not like what is found, and what needs to be done
and it is all so meaningless - i fear that it is all for nothing in the end
wow
i am fearing that whether i am good or bad, in the end, it makes no difference
but i do not believe that really
and yet i do not want to change

my comfort zone is where i want to be
leave me alone in my space 

see i want to eat clean so i do not feel bad
but perhaps i feel bad because i am bad
face  that
or perhaps i need to pray 
and become good

Energy transformation

All we do here is transform energy. All the energy that exists we change into a new creation.

So transform the energy I am given that is activated within me, and which flows through me when I see the VWF Very Wondrous Female/Form, and do not release it but re-flow it through me and transform it into the energy of  a VWM.

Earth
Energy always requires transformation here

 

Earth
Energy always requires transformation here

Little voice

The little voice in your head that says “have some” “have a bit more, you can handle it”

That voice – identify it – and then choose to not listen to it. It is a very clever voice, powered by the opposite yin/yang force. It is a necessary voice and it cannot be eliminated, but it does not have to be listened to – it can be heard, but I can choose to listen to the silent voice of vision.

Tune it out

Do not tune it to it. Do not seek it, then it will not speak. There is a part of me, the yin/yang part that calls the voice. And when it speaks, it is not the authority – it is just a voice I have tuned into to justify my natural craving for sweetness. Switch to sweet thoughts, not sweet foods.

Remember the voice of temptation often presents as a logical justification. And justification is always required when what I am about to indulge in is obviously wrong.

So listen to the little voice.

And then question it.

And do not follow what it says. I have a choice to say NO. and focus on VWM energy.

Go ahead

Like it a lot?

Have a little

Then you can have more later

clean for 70 day 5

I was good yesterday
and today I am rewarded. 
Up at 04h30 thanks to Ben.
And feeling great.

Sushi salmon Takumi was very good. And no dessert :)
It pays divs

Keep the boat on top of the waves, eat well, maintain balance
not perfection
balance

there is more
this is a treat
and I can have more
but not all at once
no punishing me - all or nothing
rather, a little today and some more tomorrow

 

Balance, not Perfection

Balance, not perfection - That is the solution. I seek balance, not perfection.
I seek balance that allows me to take solid action and maintain my vision.

So in terms of my 70 days of perfect eating, stop that nonsense.
Go for 70 years of balanced eating.
Have a treat. Keep it neat.

Simple mantra - there is more where that came from, and I can have more - tomorrow. 
This is not my last bite, it is a bite in the flow of things.

Have a little, and I can have a lot more.

I will always have treats. Keep them small, and I will retain my balance.
But no bread please. Even small amounts have a large effect.

 

clean for 70 day 4

OK, so last night I had a cold coming on.
Thick throat to swallow, and temp
I am ok today, got away with it for now

i had coffee at 3pm,
and a bit of cheese cake

my body is tired (was tired) but perked up right now

thing is, maybe perfect clean is not the answer
just keep the balance so that each treat is small, and it is not my last
i will allow another
no need to test the limit nor go overboard
just give me a bit and then tell me there is more tomorrow
keep the balance is the trick
this is food not heroin
no cold turkey
just food

so tiny treat
stay within the limit
keep the balance
see how the VWM returns
and keep the energy driving through me
copy paste the given gift of pussy energy
do not waste it
flow it through me
love pussy
and let my energy flow

can I get away with it?

I see that I am always testing how far I can go.
If I eat this thing, can I get away with it.
If I do this or do not do that, can I get away with it?

the answer is balance.
so do not seek to get away with it.
just get the balance right.
i tend to go overboard, out of balance.

so if I can contain the treat, and know I can have another
then do not eat as if it is my last time ever
so i go nuts because this is the last time and then no more

rather know there is more
if i have a little today, there is more tomorrow

my body can handle that.
my mind needs to learn that.

such an amazing world

I live in such an amazing world. And I waste so much of it, going through the motions, killing time. Eating my way through the day. Struggling with trivial things in the name of daily survival. 
And the struggle is really chemical. When my chemistry is out, I resonate on a level that is flat. And I feel so hopeless really.
And yet last week I was a VWM, I tasted it. And today there is nothing. I put myself in the hole by eating like a pig. I don't give myself a chance. I keep testng to see how fat i can go until i make myself sick. punishing me in the eye. what drives this insane behaviour? lack of vision. lack of drive. i do not know what to do with myself. i am so lost. i need to be driven. but i am not driven. i see only as far as the next mouthful. 

turn it around. 
i am an explorer. yay. i go to machu picu and climb the mts in peru. 
actually i would rather go surfing on an island. 
when all is said and done i would really love to win the lotto. that is my salvation. becasue then i can afford to feel tired and lost. see when i am like this i feel scared, vulnerable to the attacks of helen.

 i just want to be left alone when i am low
and i am low
flatliner
me
even the slightest blip is an obstacle 

clean for 70 days day 3 27/9

How did I fare yesterday?
I had an apple tart (small , not satisfying pastry, certainly far from worth it) and another cup of espresso (also shitty).
I took strain fighting an impending strep throat.
I am so lost, it is not funny.
Bad space.
I need help.

ok, turn this around.
I woke up today 6.30, yay, shower, yoga (I tried for 20 mins)
felt fine egg, then coffee. now no longer.
the coffee took me down for sure.

i am so lethargic. scared of my heaviness. scared. all i want is to be left alone

turn it around.

I am a VWM. I know how. I have been there. I am poised to come right.
i am the whole world.
helen is going to be on my case today because i am low and we need to make decisions. where to live. which house, which country. god help me please. really.