I choose to feel good.
Or do I choose to have a good mouthfeel?
A good Dessert is when I feel good after eating - not during eating.
Focus on after, not during.
which do I really want?
In the short term, like right now, gimme the bread n butter.
In the long term, like in the never never, gimme the house.
If I believe that the house is real,
I will have the will power to resist the moment of bread.
Saturday, 30 November 2013
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
Jaco to help me with:
- Self sabotage - the need to prove that I am right.
- I want to be a VWM, but I am not doing very much about it
- I do not desire strongly enough. What do I desire. If I desired it I would visualize it.
- I cannot stick to a daily vizualisation routine. So how will I get there then. It is like having no map.
- Please help me set a destination I am driven by, and a map to get there.
- I need a strong desire
- I am a dad. Be responsible.
- I am not activated. Not driven. Not doing enough.
- I often feel lost.
- I constantly want to eat food that fucks me up
- I eat food that gives me a headache then I act badly and speak rudely to HSC
- I eat food that throws me off balance and I feel unnamed anxiety
- the solution is to live an inspired life with goals that I aspire towards.
- I want to be a great dad. but that is not a clear vision. it is just words.
- I need to feel strong in body and mind and spirit.
- Visi magazine. not me, almost surreal. do they exist. who are these people
- where am I going wrong? what would you do if you could make me do anything. coach me
- Jaco says it is about balance, not perfection, which is unrealistic and in effect gives me permission to go on a binge.
- rather, go with my own food to the event so I have somehting to put in my mouth. go with a banana. a grapefruit. spanspek. eat my own stuff, have a cooler box.
- jaco says the penalty is not bad enough to prevent me from doing it. but in fact it is. and whats more, the reward is great enough to keep me on track and eating well.
- resonate with good energy.
- but perfection is not the goal. balance is.
Thursday, 21 November 2013
Talk cheap
God made talk cheap. Why? what does this demonstrate about God?
Well, for one thing, God does not talk. God shows. Creation is one big show.
It is not a silent show, but there is no talking, save for the people in the show.
Most words are worthless.
Most promises are worthless.
That is why talk is cheap.
But the power of the word is enormous.
First, there was the Word.
Then, God added Love and there was the world.
So how do I say less and do more?
Visualise. And do it right, and be consistent, so that I take consistent action.
I need Jaco to help me with the VWM and the art of visualisation.
And what to visualise.
Remember to be like the sun - always shining, even when the rain is falling.
Well, for one thing, God does not talk. God shows. Creation is one big show.
It is not a silent show, but there is no talking, save for the people in the show.
Most words are worthless.
Most promises are worthless.
That is why talk is cheap.
But the power of the word is enormous.
First, there was the Word.
Then, God added Love and there was the world.
So how do I say less and do more?
Visualise. And do it right, and be consistent, so that I take consistent action.
I need Jaco to help me with the VWM and the art of visualisation.
And what to visualise.
Remember to be like the sun - always shining, even when the rain is falling.
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
Monday, 18 November 2013
Einstein
At 26, he conjectured that everything in the universe is a repository of energy.
E=MC2 theorized that converting a small amount of mass would release an enormous amount of energy. The atomic bomb demonstrated this.
SO Einstein was a genius.
And I am not.
But I am here.
That makes me what?
Well, for one, I am the only one in the world, or my world?
The world.
I am the only one in the world.
I am the only one who experiences the world.
Nothing else matters really.
Usually, I am lost. In that I am not in touch with my source. I am living externally. I am disconnected from my drive. So I am driven by the hunt for external energy sources. And my own, my very own energy source remains hidden, untapped. And so I feel lost. Cut off. Alone. Powerless. Vulnerable. Waiting.
Eckhart Tolle calls it the Power of Now. The present moment is all we have. But what clue does that give me as to my own energy source. God within me. ET says the PM is all I have, so best be in it now.
But I know this: I am awareness. SO best be aware of the source that powers me up. The original energy.
When I eat badly, my energy goes out of my body, sending me searching for new sources of bad external short-lived energy. Sugar energy. Superficialy energy.
Still rivers run deep.
Again.
What am I?
Awareness.
I am aware of my level of connection to source.
I have switched source to food.
And yet, whilst food is not source, it can certainly cut me off from source because when I eat badly, I get disconnected. Now never mind the rest of the 7 billion people in the world.
I remain, the only one in my world. the only one responsible for the world I live in, for the world that I am. there is no one else.
My world is sensitive, and easily thrown out of balance. Chemicals undo me. Disconnect me from source. And yet, how connected am I? My connection, the strands of my bond seem to be awfully weak.
So for me, chemistry is key to feeling like King.
If I have more int he the name of enjoyment, the price is fucked up energy, low energy, aggressive energy, feeling out of sorts. and low money too. Low money demonstrates my low energy.
Is this true for everyone in the world? I guess yes, but in my case, it is very apparent and very extreme. there is no getting away with it. looking at other people does not help me.
Getting frustrated with my energy and then turning to food that is bad for a quick fix results in long term damage and low energy.
Discipline is what is required when my energy is fucked. So that I do not fuck it up further.
So vision is required. Go beyond the present moment. And go into the present moment. Do not try escape it. Feel it fully. And go to my vision fully. Maintain vision. Strong energy. Strong me. Powerful me. Do not test me. I will fail.
So what is my vision then?
Strong body.
Powerful body.
Always testing the truth
Things that I know to be true for me I still do not believe in. I am always testing. Always overriding.
For instance.
Money
It comes to me best when my energy is best.
And my energy is best when I am disciplined.
With food.
When I treat myself to junk, my result follow suit.
I know this.
But still I push the limit.
Keep my energy up. that is my work.
And so to discipline.
Do not override my body. It knows what it needs to keep the energy going.
to make the energy high.
come on Ivan. the treats are short lived.
My baby needs me. Ben needs me to be great. For him.
Be disciplined, and maintain the discipline.
Eat. Yoga. Visualize. Know. Be driven by the inner peace. by the inner strength.
For instance.
Money
It comes to me best when my energy is best.
And my energy is best when I am disciplined.
With food.
When I treat myself to junk, my result follow suit.
I know this.
But still I push the limit.
Keep my energy up. that is my work.
And so to discipline.
Do not override my body. It knows what it needs to keep the energy going.
to make the energy high.
come on Ivan. the treats are short lived.
My baby needs me. Ben needs me to be great. For him.
Be disciplined, and maintain the discipline.
Eat. Yoga. Visualize. Know. Be driven by the inner peace. by the inner strength.
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Not happy
Got myself a cold. No voice. Low energy. Been building this for a while with out of diciplined action. Too much coffee, too many treats. No discipline = low energy = depression.
Maintain the discipline. No matter what the justification, there is none, because the price will be paid. there is no escaping the price. there is always a price. the food was divine, but the price is not nice. I am so out of it. I do not know what to do with myself. my sales for DM were so low, making me even lower. I need to get their attention, a new campaign. set it in motion.
Maintain the discipline. No matter what the justification, there is none, because the price will be paid. there is no escaping the price. there is always a price. the food was divine, but the price is not nice. I am so out of it. I do not know what to do with myself. my sales for DM were so low, making me even lower. I need to get their attention, a new campaign. set it in motion.
Thursday, 31 October 2013
BIG
I am small. That is my self image. If feel small. Insignificant. I do not count, I will not be missed.
My job is to turn that around. For it is as true as it is false.
Physically, I feel my size to be small. I want to be broad, solid.
See it. If I focus on it, I will be it.
See this:
R300K per month, earned from my own software that people love to use and enjoy using.
Posture. Maintain a good posture. It reminds me to maintain awareness.
SO much to do. So much to do that I would rather not do.
what would I rather do?
Right now, nothing. I need to be still.
Be still and know God.
the intensity of my emotions sets creation in motion.
by feeling nothing, there is nothing
whip up the loveliest emotion I can
I owe it to myself
what excites me? a lifetime of free time? of no pressures of responsibility? of me time? of time spent alone, thinking, appreciating the silence of the moment, interspersed by birdsong and espresso?
Doves cooing. It does not excite me, it makes me feel at peace. There is no achievement in that. but being here to hear the doves coo, that is actually a great achievement!
a double story home, with sunlight, sunshine through the windows, trees, views, fully carpeted, beautiful kitchen and bathroom, plus live-in quarters, with private office. yes, I say yes.
even though I sit here writing this, I am tense. because there is so much on the to do list.
that will never change. so Why push me. set aside another 15 mins for this activity. then make a list. follow it. and love everything i do because i have wonderful energy.
no time to pee. i need this time to be here and be still. it feels good. do not distract me with a full bladder. that is just an excuse.
...
My job is to turn that around. For it is as true as it is false.
Physically, I feel my size to be small. I want to be broad, solid.
See it. If I focus on it, I will be it.
See this:
R300K per month, earned from my own software that people love to use and enjoy using.
Posture. Maintain a good posture. It reminds me to maintain awareness.
SO much to do. So much to do that I would rather not do.
what would I rather do?
Right now, nothing. I need to be still.
Be still and know God.
the intensity of my emotions sets creation in motion.
by feeling nothing, there is nothing
whip up the loveliest emotion I can
I owe it to myself
what excites me? a lifetime of free time? of no pressures of responsibility? of me time? of time spent alone, thinking, appreciating the silence of the moment, interspersed by birdsong and espresso?
Doves cooing. It does not excite me, it makes me feel at peace. There is no achievement in that. but being here to hear the doves coo, that is actually a great achievement!
a double story home, with sunlight, sunshine through the windows, trees, views, fully carpeted, beautiful kitchen and bathroom, plus live-in quarters, with private office. yes, I say yes.
even though I sit here writing this, I am tense. because there is so much on the to do list.
that will never change. so Why push me. set aside another 15 mins for this activity. then make a list. follow it. and love everything i do because i have wonderful energy.
no time to pee. i need this time to be here and be still. it feels good. do not distract me with a full bladder. that is just an excuse.
...
my favorite
My favorite part of being here, in this world, is doing nothing. feeling good, chemically good, in harmony, and sitting, thinking, about anything and nothing, birdsong outside, sun or rain, with no one disturbing me. left alone to my own space, I am happiest. that is what i love about my life. my own perfect space. the quiet space, of me, myself, I.
the busyness of life has no appeal to me.
out of the quiet of this undisturbed haven of peace, good things flow. this is the source.
Part of me, I know, is telling me, I am fucked. Fucked in the head, the mind, the survival stakes. I will not survive doing nothing. obviously, doing nothing costs money. a lot of money? not a lot, but it costs money. i like my basic comforts. coffee and yoga and beauty and peace and dappled light with quiet outside
the busyness of life has no appeal to me.
out of the quiet of this undisturbed haven of peace, good things flow. this is the source.
Part of me, I know, is telling me, I am fucked. Fucked in the head, the mind, the survival stakes. I will not survive doing nothing. obviously, doing nothing costs money. a lot of money? not a lot, but it costs money. i like my basic comforts. coffee and yoga and beauty and peace and dappled light with quiet outside
what to do first
So much to do, so much rushing
solution - choose
focus on the one thing I really want to achieve
and do that thing
and stop thinking
ok ok, make a list.
then set time aside for the thin i want ot do, and then do the other stuff
solution - choose
focus on the one thing I really want to achieve
and do that thing
and stop thinking
ok ok, make a list.
then set time aside for the thin i want ot do, and then do the other stuff
Sunday, 27 October 2013
Posture
Hold my tummy strong, and my chest out. My myself taller, broader. Walk from the waist up. Motor along.
My life feels better already.
My life will change for the better, I know it.
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My life feels better already.
My life will change for the better, I know it.
Wednesday, 23 October 2013
Leader (me)
Remember to take the leadership role in my life. I am the only one in my body. I am a concentrated flow of energy circulating through my body.
If I am not leading, then I am on auto-pilot, and I am lost. Auto-pilot works only if I have a clear vision set of where I am going.
So yes, be on auto-pilot, for that is natural. But first, be the leader and set the vision. Auto-pilot will take me there. I will arrive.
If I am not leading, then I am on auto-pilot, and I am lost. Auto-pilot works only if I have a clear vision set of where I am going.
So yes, be on auto-pilot, for that is natural. But first, be the leader and set the vision. Auto-pilot will take me there. I will arrive.
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
Down in the dumps
I find myself here
I put myself here
Knowlingly
There is fear here
What will become of me
What example I am to my child
I do not admire myself at all
I need to be bigger, stronger,
A man of integrity
Oh help me please
I am lost
I know
let me count my money
set up a balance sheet
of where I am
and where I can be
and a plan to get me there
one step at a time
and it will all come together
I do not know
right now
that i am loved
god knows me i presume
but i am lost
i need to reconnect
I put myself here
Knowlingly
There is fear here
What will become of me
What example I am to my child
I do not admire myself at all
I need to be bigger, stronger,
A man of integrity
Oh help me please
I am lost
I know
let me count my money
set up a balance sheet
of where I am
and where I can be
and a plan to get me there
one step at a time
and it will all come together
I do not know
right now
that i am loved
god knows me i presume
but i am lost
i need to reconnect
Tuesday, 1 October 2013
Clean 70 Day 7
So yesterday I took a Demazin and flew.
Chemistry rules OK.
Today, I had espresso breakfast and one at lunch.
Still flying. Surfing the wave. And ideas are coming. Mild anxiety, but only because I want to get things started. FreeMyMusic
Ask Donald - is there a market need, and am I the one to find the solution to the problem.
Yes, I say I am the one. Go to Word.
Chemistry rules OK.
Today, I had espresso breakfast and one at lunch.
Still flying. Surfing the wave. And ideas are coming. Mild anxiety, but only because I want to get things started. FreeMyMusic
Ask Donald - is there a market need, and am I the one to find the solution to the problem.
Yes, I say I am the one. Go to Word.
Monday, 30 September 2013
Being practical
The truth is, I have being practical - as in making a practical plan to live my life by
I cannot plan anything really
I just want be here and let it all unfold
but what?
nothing unfolds without a vision, a plan
that is where change steps in
tomorrow will be like today, only different, because change has made it so
it may be the weather, the mood, the tides, the people around me
But if I have no determination
then I am subject the to the moods of others
and they will attack me because if I am undetermined, I am vulnerable
I cannot plan anything really
I just want be here and let it all unfold
but what?
nothing unfolds without a vision, a plan
that is where change steps in
tomorrow will be like today, only different, because change has made it so
it may be the weather, the mood, the tides, the people around me
But if I have no determination
then I am subject the to the moods of others
and they will attack me because if I am undetermined, I am vulnerable
Unformed after all these years
50, and still unformed, undecided, living without passion
But is it over? I am living with a silent, unspoken unacknowledged fear that I have allowed that says it is too late
too late to make anything of my life
I will die without power
without having lived a powerful life
i will have been here, gone through the motions
minimised the commotions
and disappeared
But there is Ben
There is my dogs
And there is Helen
And I am here,
and I am able
I need to know what to do that will form me
JK wrote a book
what can I do
I am not a corporate captain
I have no special skill or genius to share
I am ordinary
but I have one thing:
insight
uncommon insight
the fact that I have done nothing with it to date
the fact that I have not even dared do anything with it,
that is my failure
I have been given the gift of knowing
I know things about life,
and I have not lived the things I know
I have revelled in the moments of enlightenment
and promptly faded when time came to act
drifted
So I sit here asking
I am 50
what must I do with the next 10 years
when I am 60 will I be reading this wondering where the years went?
I will be the father of an 11 year old boy who will know that his father is lost
can I sit here now and find myself?
yes yes, I want to cut loose and run
and be free
but that is not the way open to me
please God, I know nothing
Please show me the way
Let it come to me and let me recognise it
I was born with the seeds of greatness
within
how can I be great
a Great man
I have wanted to be a VWM
but what about a GM
who do i think is great?
an orator?
was Hitler great?
churchill?
or sergey brin?
I take Sergey
But I have none of his qualities
I just love Google power
everything is connected
so connected
except me of course, I am disconnected
often
connect me!
please God, connect me
I don't believe God is hearing this plea.
So will I remain lost?
Will I turn to my own devices?
Look where I am now, and how that has worked
chemistry will take me there
but where am I headed?
I need to be clear - where am I going?
what do I want
I want to sit here and write this shit
is it shit? Is it useful?
God knows
But I do not know God
Nah, not true, I do, sometimes
I see the spotted eel, and I hear the chirping birds before the morning light
So all is not lost
I can be found
it is not too late
But is it over? I am living with a silent, unspoken unacknowledged fear that I have allowed that says it is too late
too late to make anything of my life
I will die without power
without having lived a powerful life
i will have been here, gone through the motions
minimised the commotions
and disappeared
But there is Ben
There is my dogs
And there is Helen
And I am here,
and I am able
I need to know what to do that will form me
JK wrote a book
what can I do
I am not a corporate captain
I have no special skill or genius to share
I am ordinary
but I have one thing:
insight
uncommon insight
the fact that I have done nothing with it to date
the fact that I have not even dared do anything with it,
that is my failure
I have been given the gift of knowing
I know things about life,
and I have not lived the things I know
I have revelled in the moments of enlightenment
and promptly faded when time came to act
drifted
So I sit here asking
I am 50
what must I do with the next 10 years
when I am 60 will I be reading this wondering where the years went?
I will be the father of an 11 year old boy who will know that his father is lost
can I sit here now and find myself?
yes yes, I want to cut loose and run
and be free
but that is not the way open to me
please God, I know nothing
Please show me the way
Let it come to me and let me recognise it
I was born with the seeds of greatness
within
how can I be great
a Great man
I have wanted to be a VWM
but what about a GM
who do i think is great?
an orator?
was Hitler great?
churchill?
or sergey brin?
I take Sergey
But I have none of his qualities
I just love Google power
everything is connected
so connected
except me of course, I am disconnected
often
connect me!
please God, connect me
I don't believe God is hearing this plea.
So will I remain lost?
Will I turn to my own devices?
Look where I am now, and how that has worked
chemistry will take me there
but where am I headed?
I need to be clear - where am I going?
what do I want
I want to sit here and write this shit
is it shit? Is it useful?
God knows
But I do not know God
Nah, not true, I do, sometimes
I see the spotted eel, and I hear the chirping birds before the morning light
So all is not lost
I can be found
it is not too late
JK
Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy to finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one area where I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter, and a big idea. And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
– J. K. Rowling, "The fringe benefits of failure", 2008.[50]
– J. K. Rowling, "The fringe benefits of failure", 2008.[50]
I am good at this
I know the power of chemistry upon the quality of the life I live
Why not share this?
I have ten years of practice
and it will still be relevant in ten years time
this is what I know:
Like Maria Montessori, can I help people?
she went from being a doctor to being an educator
But she was always out there
and she was always used to being a leader a natural leader
I am not a leader
I am not powerful when I am out there
I am best when I am at my desk
can I help people from my desk?
Well, JK Rowling did
She entertained the world from her desk, from her coffee table in a shop
Why not share this?
I have ten years of practice
and it will still be relevant in ten years time
this is what I know:
- I am governed by my chemistry. when my chemistry is fucked, my life is fucked
- I can influence my chemistry and sometimes even control it
- Food
- Exercise
- Prayer
- Money - hope
Like Maria Montessori, can I help people?
she went from being a doctor to being an educator
But she was always out there
and she was always used to being a leader a natural leader
I am not a leader
I am not powerful when I am out there
I am best when I am at my desk
can I help people from my desk?
Well, JK Rowling did
She entertained the world from her desk, from her coffee table in a shop
My son
Ben is my son
I have done nothing for his future
I have set no example
i am just carrying on
I am not the VWM, I am not the VWD, the VWF
I am a small man
and Ben would not look up to me
Indeed, he will look at me and just think - so he had me;
that is all
I need to be an example
Is it too late?
I am 50
I have 20 years until Ben is 21
I have 20 years ntil I am 70
I am in good shape
that is my blessing
so I can do somehting real in the next 20 years
and the next 10 too
what is it?
i can start with today and end up with in 10 years time and say I followed through and I enjoed it
and I was good at it
and I leave a legacy
coffee or software
these are the two things
coffee takes capital
software takes me pushing developers to do stuff on spec
but i could put capital into the software too
coffee is good because it is physical
but it takes me employing people
and I am not good at leading people
in fact I am clueless
software is better suited
and more scaleable
because ok look at this
i could be a lone barista
or a lone develper
but i will reach more people with software
I have done nothing for his future
I have set no example
i am just carrying on
I am not the VWM, I am not the VWD, the VWF
I am a small man
and Ben would not look up to me
Indeed, he will look at me and just think - so he had me;
that is all
I need to be an example
Is it too late?
I am 50
I have 20 years until Ben is 21
I have 20 years ntil I am 70
I am in good shape
that is my blessing
so I can do somehting real in the next 20 years
and the next 10 too
what is it?
i can start with today and end up with in 10 years time and say I followed through and I enjoed it
and I was good at it
and I leave a legacy
coffee or software
these are the two things
coffee takes capital
software takes me pushing developers to do stuff on spec
but i could put capital into the software too
coffee is good because it is physical
but it takes me employing people
and I am not good at leading people
in fact I am clueless
software is better suited
and more scaleable
because ok look at this
i could be a lone barista
or a lone develper
but i will reach more people with software
Desire
Desire
I need to have a desire
Worthy of pursuit
that activates me
for I see that I assume I will be here tomorrow,
So why do anything today?
I need a project that fills my time, and feels worthy and helps make a difference
look at the google guys
they made it easy and efficient to search the net
they helped me
I want to do the same thing
what would I be qualified to do in that realm?
see, helping others does not mean charity
working is helping
whenever you make another persons life easier, you have created someting new and helped them
and then you can help others in charity as well
I need to have a desire
Worthy of pursuit
that activates me
for I see that I assume I will be here tomorrow,
So why do anything today?
I need a project that fills my time, and feels worthy and helps make a difference
look at the google guys
they made it easy and efficient to search the net
they helped me
I want to do the same thing
what would I be qualified to do in that realm?
see, helping others does not mean charity
working is helping
whenever you make another persons life easier, you have created someting new and helped them
and then you can help others in charity as well
I want
If I believe that there is a God, then there is
and if I beleive that there is no god, then there is no god
and this is true for me
and it will be how I experience Life
and I know that I experience Life as a diret result of what I put in
and because i like to cruise, I very often feel very little
and then I eat a lot
because I feel emptiness, a void
and I try control my eating by writing this blog
but all my insights amount to nought
because i have not changed the things I do
because I have not made a decision about what I want to do
for myself
for myself
I am selfish, and yet I am not
and yet I am
but selfish as I am, I never get to do what I want to do
I believe that no matter what I do, Helen will stop me from doing what I really want to do
Okavango, surfing on an island, being a barista (really?)
Part of me does not want to try harder because no matter how hard I try, the life I live will not be the life I want to live, so I may as well just be happy with the way I live now, and maintain the status quo. I do not want to move on. I want to do nothing. do the minimum.
But in fact, life, I know is about change, and I will never be allowed to stay the same. i might die trying. Part of me wants to die anyway so who cares.
but I speak today from that part of me that has some life left.
See I am not a driven man.
I am not out to prove anything to anyone.
Quite the opposite.
I am here to do nothing, prove nothing, just live on a chemically perfect high
Joke
I took a Demazin 10 mins ago to do just that - or to allow me to think clearly enough to make a plan and shift myself.
But let me be honest. Let me know, for myself, what it is I would love to do with my life here on earth right now.
Nothing.
OK
Besides nothing
eat
spend
travel
shop
ie nothing
no contribution
really Ivan? Is that me?
No. I love giving. I love making people feel good about themselves.
I really do.
But how do I make a living like that.
What do I need to do anyway?
Fuck I am lost.
I will now go and put on Tefillin.
I still must speak to Sue, Blessing, Montessori
the pressure of Helen
I seek to escape that
but then what?
I sink
really, left to my own devices, would I sink?
without a plan, yes, I will sink
i need to elevate
say the shema
say the b'tifarah
come on Ivan.
don the Tefillin
then come back here.
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Am I selfish?
and if I beleive that there is no god, then there is no god
and this is true for me
and it will be how I experience Life
and I know that I experience Life as a diret result of what I put in
and because i like to cruise, I very often feel very little
and then I eat a lot
because I feel emptiness, a void
and I try control my eating by writing this blog
but all my insights amount to nought
because i have not changed the things I do
because I have not made a decision about what I want to do
for myself
for myself
I am selfish, and yet I am not
and yet I am
but selfish as I am, I never get to do what I want to do
I believe that no matter what I do, Helen will stop me from doing what I really want to do
Okavango, surfing on an island, being a barista (really?)
Part of me does not want to try harder because no matter how hard I try, the life I live will not be the life I want to live, so I may as well just be happy with the way I live now, and maintain the status quo. I do not want to move on. I want to do nothing. do the minimum.
But in fact, life, I know is about change, and I will never be allowed to stay the same. i might die trying. Part of me wants to die anyway so who cares.
but I speak today from that part of me that has some life left.
See I am not a driven man.
I am not out to prove anything to anyone.
Quite the opposite.
I am here to do nothing, prove nothing, just live on a chemically perfect high
Joke
I took a Demazin 10 mins ago to do just that - or to allow me to think clearly enough to make a plan and shift myself.
But let me be honest. Let me know, for myself, what it is I would love to do with my life here on earth right now.
Nothing.
OK
Besides nothing
eat
spend
travel
shop
ie nothing
no contribution
really Ivan? Is that me?
No. I love giving. I love making people feel good about themselves.
I really do.
But how do I make a living like that.
What do I need to do anyway?
Fuck I am lost.
I will now go and put on Tefillin.
I still must speak to Sue, Blessing, Montessori
the pressure of Helen
I seek to escape that
but then what?
I sink
really, left to my own devices, would I sink?
without a plan, yes, I will sink
i need to elevate
say the shema
say the b'tifarah
come on Ivan.
don the Tefillin
then come back here.
Am I selfish?
Clean 70 Day 6
Yesterday was a disaster.,.
after getting up and out of bed by Ben at 04h30 and enjoying the silence ofthe day and seeing the light as far as small treats go, I went and backlashed and ate myself like a pig, all the Ostrich in the freezer, and i did not even enjoy eating it, but finish the huge double portion, I did.
I went to bed feeling stuffy and woke up stuffed.
I am not feeling good. I feel like small things are huge things.
I have to give notice on Buxton today. Deal with Blessing. Go to Montessori Stepping Stones. Gosh.
I keep getting the insights, and then I still keep fucking myself up in a differnt way.
I do not know what to do with myself.
I feel guilty, a vague sense of guilt, gnawing away at me. I do not know what is it from.Fear based. Not doing enough. Cruising. Not getting out of my comfort zone actively. I want to lie back and chill.Leave me a lone. Cut me out. Leave me alone, but do not leave me. Stay with me and stay out of my space.
I am driven to write because I know that as much as I write I am driven to eat like a pig and stuff myself up and do myself in, and I do not know why. I feel so empty inside.
tee hee
why does this emptiness arise?
because I not doing anything fulfilling with my time, with my life
I am indeed going through the motions
and I have made eating my goal
and so what of it
when i am on my deathbed will I say I was a disciplined eater and so I go peacefully now
what do i need to do
pray harder
better more?
earn more?
do more of what?
do less of what?
do something totally new?
i am lost
back to being lost
please god, find me
keep me
show me
no i am fearful of being shown for i may not like what is found, and what needs to be done
and it is all so meaningless - i fear that it is all for nothing in the end
wow
i am fearing that whether i am good or bad, in the end, it makes no difference
but i do not believe that really
and yet i do not want to change
my comfort zone is where i want to be
leave me alone in my space
see i want to eat clean so i do not feel bad
but perhaps i feel bad because i am bad
face that
or perhaps i need to pray
and become good
Sunday, 29 September 2013
Energy transformation
All we do here is transform energy. All the energy that
exists we change into a new creation.
So transform the energy I am given that is activated within me, and which flows through me when I see the
VWF Very Wondrous Female/Form, and do not release it but re-flow it through me
and transform it into the energy of a
VWM.
Earth
Energy always requires transformation here
Earth
Energy always requires transformation here
Earth
Energy always requires transformation here
Little voice
The little voice in your head that says “have some” “have a
bit more, you can handle it”
That voice – identify it – and then choose to not listen to
it. It is a very clever voice, powered by the opposite yin/yang force. It is a
necessary voice and it cannot be eliminated, but it does not have to be
listened to – it can be heard, but I can choose to listen to the silent voice
of vision.
Tune it out
Do not tune it to it. Do not seek it, then it will not
speak. There is a part of me, the yin/yang part that calls the voice. And when
it speaks, it is not the authority – it is just a voice I have tuned into to
justify my natural craving for sweetness. Switch to sweet thoughts, not sweet
foods.
Remember the voice of temptation often presents as a logical
justification. And justification is always required when what I am about to
indulge in is obviously wrong.
So listen to the little voice.
And then question it.
And do not follow what it says. I have a choice to say NO.
and focus on VWM energy.
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