Don't talk to me

Don't talk to me about what you want
Communicate via the love you feel
and I will provide

So sayeth the lord prior to sending me here
and I know this but choose to forget constantly
Am am
in trouble
always
testing
falling down
losing
feeling like one
a loser
not being
at one
with love

Any fool

Any fool knows the answers. Knows what to do, and what not to do. Knows what is best for them.
It takes a person with guts to do what they know is good for them.
It takes discipline.
It takes love.
At the moment, I am running low. No guts, not glory. Eat junk, it's all gory.
I am not happy with myself. I do not follow through on what I know.
I keep on testing, pushing my own boundaries of how low I can go, how far I can sink to eating foods that kill my gut, my life.
I am devastated. Lost. No mojo. No sir.

How do I get my mojo back?
Eat right. It is step one.

mad monday rush

in my head there are cirtical rush jobs to be done, survival is at stake. and yet I have made the decision to leave it all to god. I have said today, god is love. leave it to god. it does not work that way of course. i still need to direct.

but yes, god does exist independently of me, and will exist whether i do or not. but does exist within me when i am here. god is love, but god does not love me unless i love god. is this unless i love god. is that unfair? no. that is perfectly fair for god is grace.

lovely dream, now make it real, daily

Monday, 20th, 2014

Spent the weekend at Bartholemeus Klip, so nice, so peaceful, mountains, light, birdsong, fresh air, space.

Then I had a dream on Sunday night/Monday am.
Vanessa was going overseas, and she looked fully recovered and well.
Karen came from a help course, and she showed me the course material. It was a lot of text and she had highlighed the parts she liked (foolscap pages).
I poo-poohed the stuff, and thought to myself - Discipline is what you need. Eat well, be disciplined, and the rest will take care of itself.
But then one line of highlighed text called out at me, and I re-read the line. In my dream, I told myself to take special note, it is important. Stop and think about this, and recognise it.
It read "........love, love, love, God, prayer."
And I realized that love precedes discipline. Love is the common denominator. Love is the foundation that success is built upon.  I will not sabotage myself, my self discipline, if I have love first. Willpowering my way to self discipline fails me time after time.
Give up forcing control. Allow love. Recognise that God is real. And pray to God. Ask for what I want. Ask. Asking is connection. Do not hide. Ask! God loves it when I ask for directions.

Yom Kippur

04 Oct 2014
I am going crazy. I am Jewish, but I am not religious in terms of following the tradition.
SO much pain and suffering in the name of being the chosen people leads me to conclude that we have declared ourselves chosen, but God has not. Which is not to say that God does not love us. But it is to say that God does not choose us above any other religion or nation. We make our own destiny according to the objective laws that God set in motion when the world came into being.

God is love. We choose everything else. Love is free choice, that is the danger and the beauty of love. And that is why love is rare. And so is discipline.

Food and prayer

Food is instant gratification. It helps my mood instantly. And then may affect it negatively later, especially if it is comfort eating.
Prayer does not give instant gratification. It often feels as if nothing is happening. But then later, I notice a softening, an upliftment. The prayer did come through for me where food could not.
Do not rely only on food. Prayer is discipline too.

gratitude

I am so lost.
I wish to feel grateful, because I know I am
for this wonderful powerful new laptop I am enjoying so much
but I feel so f'd in the head, I cannot feek great
2 espresso a day and some cola are not a good recipe for happiness health and balance :(

Religion

There is no one religion that is the only way.
Religion works for some.
Just like a computer runs a program, so do we.
We choose the program that we run. Our body does not question it.
so when i am inspired, it is because a program works for me. do not rush off and tell others to install it. they will run the program that works for them.

My Best Friend

My best friend, my only friend, my true friend is discipline.
To the extent that I maintain my discipline, I am happy with the people around me, and they are my friend, and I can be theirs.
I am in an unhappy place when I am chemically f-d. Then nothing is nice and nothing is good.
A meaningful life is not what I need. I need a connected life. And there is no connection without discipline.

I am good at writing discipline, but not that great at implementing it consistently. I am forever throwing a spanner in my works. why do I keep testing?

True discipline is rare.  That is the only thing that can separate me from the masses and make me feel at one with God, and not need to feel separate from anyone in the first place
. it always has been, and always will be. An eagle does not eat bread in the park. Go fishing Ivan. Eat right for me. I know the results. Seek not to tell others. Show, do not tell. Be that man.
Posture is essential, and so is good clothing and shoes.

I got home and my pot plants had died.
I loved them.
If you give love, the flowers do not survive.
You have to give water.
You cannot give love and say it will live
you have to give water.

Decision

The life I lead is the decisions I make.
The knowing. Decide with knowing. The rest becomes a natural flowing.
There is no need to force anything.
Just make the decision, know my power, the power of God, and it will be done. No shouting ad pushing and worrying required.

God is love, yes

I always say that God is love.
And what I do is take care of my survival. I have become a total control freak - controlling everything in my environment, in the name of survival, not in the name of love.
So I have an idea.
How about I do the love part, and God does the survival part?
How about I create / generate love; and trust God to take care of my survival? (i.e. provide all the money I need to complete my decisions?)
I love that.

So when it comes to communicating, communicate from the standpoint of love.
When dealing with Helen and Ben, do not be a survivor, be a lover.

Discipline results in being in the moment and being happy with it

Staying connected is the ultimate reason for discipline.
It is the reason for being here, the meaning of life. Connection - a feeling of good energy, is the reward for being disciplined.

be still and be connected. rush, and be connected. run and be connected. eat, sleep, talk. do all this and be connected. connected to what? the original energy that made me. that I am. Love. The energy of love. Love is all. God is love. God is show don't tell. Love is show don't tell. Love is being connected, because then I am happy, n a happy space. connection is not dependent upon activity or circumstance, it is dependent upon discipline. True discipline is rare. Discipline allows me to resonate on a higher frequency, tune in to a higher frequency, and attract a better message that flows through my heart to all my cells and materialises as a wonderful person to be near.
Be generous with my connection. it allows others to connect. help them if they need help. be kind.

I am always postponing connection until the space is perfect, waiting until the job is done.
rather - be aware of connection, that it is not dependent on the activity at all. there is no such thing as a perfect activity. there is only perfect connection.
I am always rushing to get through what I am doing, postponing happiness unitl it is done, only to find that another urgent activity fills its place. A lot of rushing.
being in the moment
being in the circumstance
being in the situation
accept it, do not fight it. the trick is to be connected.

there is no such thing as love - there is show don't tell. that is love. this is how you show it:
Posture
Discipline is rare
Yoga
Awareness
Kindness (result is no warts :)
Beauty

Why discipline?

Discipline is my best way of ensuring that the person (me) who reads this tomorrow, is as disciplined as the person who wroote this today. Being consistent.
see i am sending messages from myself today when i feel great, in the hope that i will maintain this greatness of being connected and feeling clear headed and energised (even though not much sleep due to Ben).
So eat well, and be well... and go tell no man. do not instruct others what to eat nor seek their approval for my nutritional methodology. simply carry on and eat and do not speak of things that I do or do not eat. just be well :)
I am taking a snapshot of today in the hope that it becomes a movie of today, tomorrow and the next day, a continuous stream of discipline. any reason I have to break the code is simply an excuse. and it is me, listening to a voice that feeds off my lower energy. if I want to be rare, then remember, true discipline is rare.

A litte discipline goes a long way

A little dip in discipline also goes a long way.

A small quick treat can my energy for long defeat.

the exe to run, that little script that can keep me on my quest to remain disciplined and not succumb to momentary lapse of discipline - it is this:
with energy, I am strong, and can't go wrong.  I can handle anything. My posture is strong too. But when I lapse, even the perfect circumstance and situation is meaningless. rendered meaningless and miserable, and I am a slump.

the thing is, what is bigger for me?
to vres and vres, es and es. oh yes it is so nice, but is it really?

discipline always pays.
overeating on the other hand will always reduce a perfect day to a miserable struggle against myself. I am weak. tired. Struggling. and life becomes meaningless. i am not strong. i am really a zombie.
the biggest treat I can enjoy is actually not space nor is it delicious food - it is strength, clarity, connection.
overeating makes me disconnect - always. and when I am disconnected, I am lost.
the biggest holiday I can have is to maintain absolute discipline. my energy is great, and I love being alive and I can handle the tough spots easily. when I am disconnected, tough spots seem impossible, and a great day just passes me by without me even being there.

a true true holiday is not a rest from discipline, it is absolute discipline! then watch me soar. be there for ben and helen. be stronger and stronger. rise above. see where next to go. see i think i may be bored and have all this energy and nothing to do with it. so i may as well eat and be tired. but tha tis bullshit. clear energy means i will be creative, constantly creative, connected - things come to me, and they take me higher.

discipline is:

when I feel great, I feel no compulsion to eat shit. and I feel great when I eat good food. then I am unassailable. so when I slip, I am angry at myself and punish myself further by eating more shit.
remember, I am really great. and I can feel great again. sooner than later. so hold off the punishment when I am down. and I will bounce back. just give me a change. all is not lost. I will be found again.

 

stu kantor

You should aim to reach, not start at, the summit
stu kantor

Help me please

I am assailed by low grade thoughts. They attack me when I am down, and I am down because I am eating foods that lower my energy level and maketh me vulnerable. Literally, I am attacked. And I am unhappy. And these thoughts come to me and bring me down. they feed off me I guess. And it is hard to fight them because I am low. And I am low because I am undisciplined. And these thoughts tempt me into eating more bad foods. and they feed off this. I do not know why this happens, but I am susceptible. and not impressed with myself. Everything becomes a struggle. and my joy is superficial. please please please Ivan. stay vigilant. For eternal vigilance is the price of freedom from fear, weakness, poor thoughts, and sad being. Eternal vigilance guards my light, my energy, and keeps me resonating on the level of the love that created life itself.

discipline is

Discipline is easy to define, not so easy to do consistently.

Define it: the act of waiting. The act of saying no to instant gratification, and applying vision of something greater in its place. Knowing there is a reward, and being prepared to do what it takes - and not do what delays it. Instant gratification delays the accomplishment of my true vision.
Instant gratification is when I have no vision that is compelling.

Stong - decision

Strength is a decision. Be here now. Be happy now. Be strong. Have the right to be here fully, right now. that is a decision. Not asking permission, not waiting for position. Here, now. Make the decision. And be it.

Pipeline

Always keep the pipeline flowing.
What you see today is the result of yesterday.
What you see tomorrow is the result of today.

Feel good now. Feel good about SOMETHING now. It matters not what about. Just feel it. Generate more good feelings than bad, and the pipeline will flow good things.

Good things

Good things come into my life when my energy is good. And my energy is good when I am disciplined. When I do things in the name of pleasure, that is not going to lead to good energy. Taking my pleasures means I am going to have work to do to get back on the correct frequency for good things to flow to me.
There is no way around this, and no exceptions to the rule. If I am not disciplined, I am going to pay the price in terms of poor thoughts, and unsatisfactory experiences.
Discipline brings its own pleasures. Cheap pleasures bring it's own downfalls. Cheap food burns up expensive frequencies that take time to attain. Do not throw them away. Be grateful for them. They are my very best friend.

Read this before you eat the bread

Of course you want it! You need it. You are in need of the health benefits, You have indigestion and it is good for digestion. It tastes so nice with butter (and syrup).
And after that, you have a headache, and your joints are no good.
You cannot be there for Ben like this. You are not going to be a big man, a big dad. you will just be there. but you will not be there at all.
I don't know what else to do with myself. Can't handle all this good energy. I need to go to old comfort zone.

Rather, move beyond past limitations, and express myself freely and creatively. Rather, do Yoga without being stiff.

Bread makes my head buzz, my neck get stiff. I do not feel good. Try feeling good and allowing me to grow, to be happier. See how much happiness I can handle.

Building the pipeline

When good things are happening in my life and my energy is wonderful know that it is the outcome of the pipeline flow. To keep the warm water flowing, maintain the discipline. There is no happiness without discipline.
Maintain the bandwidth:
1. Exercise
2. Food
3. Prayer
4. Kindness and compassion

Permission

I hereby permit myself, unilaterally, to believe in ideas that I know to be true without first discussing my ideas with other people (because if I do the ideas remain ideas, and do not become beliefs). 
I permit myself to do this because I am the only one in my world. I am the only one who lives in my world. And I am made by God. I am part of the original intention, the original vision, the original being that preceded the big bang.

So I am saying - "I trust myself"

I am saying - I am not trying to fool myself. I know when I am. I have confidence in myself. I have complete confidence. I know who I am, what I am, and why I am. No need to verify this with other people. God knows my thoughts, and God will guide me accordingly. I have complete faith in that. Not as in - God the old man with the white beard sitting up on the clouds. God as in the God that created me, and powers me up, and created life so that I could flow through it with perfect awareness.
So permit me to be free. Permit me to sail, to fly. TO celebrate. To love being here because I am me, and aware of it. Freedom is permission to believe wholly in ideas that I know to be true. Ideas that I have tuned into, that come from God, that are God. Because in no way am I separate from God. I am not God, but God is me. As in, I am part of the original knowing. I am here right now, knowing all of this, and it is beautiful because I am free from the chains of permesso. I am free to no longer seek verification of the truth of that which I know. That which I know is that which God has given me to know, it is that which I have tuned into. Such as this moment right now. I am tuned. And a little scared to say it. But God is not scared of me challenging him. God is not scared of me bruising his ego. God is not scared of me believing in total and utter bullshit. God knew that I would, and that it would still be part of the original vision, the original plan for Life on Earth. I know things Things that I have not permitted myself to live because I do not have approval of these things that I know from other people. So this is a big deal. As of today, 01 May 2014, I have entered a new realm. And I am grateful for it, and I am only beginning, and I am .

ps - IT IS NOT THAT i NEED OTHER PEOPLE'S PERMISSION - i NEED MY OWN! Permesso - granted :)

Generate happiness in as many moments as I can. For it is happiness that moves the mountains.

Never again until tomorrow

Overindulgence. Bad habit. Addiction. Bad eating.
I feel awful. I will never do this to myself again.
Until I feel well. then as a reward, I will let myself go
to the dogs again.

I am channeled through a matrix that I have chosen

I am channeled. But not really!
I am not the channel, and I am not the matrix, and I am indeed not even the energy that flows through the matrix. I am the uber-energy. I am the Awareness is all.The trick is to remember that. Because I identify very closely with my body, the energy that is flowing through my body. and once I identify, I forget. And once I forget, I go round thinking that I am tired, I am energsed, I am happy, I am sad. In truth, I am those things, for I am designed to identify and merge with the energy that I flow. But in the final analysis, I am awareness. So say I am aware that my energy is down. I have eaten like a pig, and I am feeling exhausted. My awareness itself is not exhausted, but I feel exhausted nonetheless. That is because in this world, I am a combination of awareness and energy. I am not pure awareness - but I can have moments when I am, and in those moments, I am very powerful in the sense that I can make a decision that is not on auto-pilot, and I can change the matrix that my energy flows through, and experience life differently. Beautifully.Happiness moves mountains. Be evermore aware of that. No matter the theory, in practice, Happiness is what moves the mountains. Always.

The matrix is a series of channels, some are open, some are closed. On or off. And that is my work, my creation. That is how God has empowered me. That is my God-Given power. My decisions are powerful indeed. This is how they become reality - by switching a series of switches on or off - a series of channels, open or closed. 

And this is no simple matrix. It is comprised of unlimited dimensions. And united, they form to display me as I am. 
My words turn switches on or off. My deeds do too. My thoughts, my emotions, all determine the switches. the intensity, the duration, the frequency, the pitch. and there is no pre-determined channel going forward. I was born with a given matrix, but with no limits to how I might change it. I am the energy that flows through the channel, and the outcome of the flow when it reaches reality as I see it - that is me, that is you, that is the world we live in. But that is not the world, period. The world is flowing constantly.

so what I am saying, what I am conveying, is this: I am energy, I am flow. We are all the same energy flowing, but we flow differently, according to the beliefs we hold to be true, and from there flow the emotions, the actions, the reality we experience.

Oops, I did it again

I am so annoyed with myself. Yesterday, riding high - today, crashing down chemically because I could not stand the high so I ate incorrectly, and ensured the high would crash and I would have to deal with chemicals instead of real life. I am such an irritating mechanism. I know everything, and I still insist on screwing up my energy.

Coffee hieroglyphics (similar to tea leaf discernment)

It's gold, but you can drink it

Marriage and romance

Love in marriage is seldom romantic. The relationship is governed by the question of money. It is a practical thing. Romance is not practical. Romance is idyllic. Infatuation is the bond at the beginning of a relationship. It is the sexual energy that brings us close. And then after that it is the practical stuff, that is not sexy. Love is closely related to survival in a married couple. You may find your wife sexy, but she will not be in the mood for sex because her mind is on the future, and the future depends on money. And money is a source of friction if there is too little. And if there is a lot, then there may be an imbalance of power. But I only know about to little. So there is a lot of friction, it is a constant, and it is always there.
Hollywood
I know Hollywood's portrayal of love is the romantic one, and even so, I find myself holding this to be the standard to strive for. Even though Hollywood does not reflect reality. Hollywood reflects the dream. But hark, it is a dangerous one, because it is a dream based on making movies, making money out of selling a story that people love to believe in. Even though I know Hollywood to be a story, it is a story I have accepted as true - i.e as based on 'the truth about love' when in fact, there is no such thing. there is God. God is love. Let that be my source of light and joy. and then when I interact with people, my relationships will improve.

Permesso!

The beauty of freedom of being is that I do not need to ask permission from others to believe in what I know to be true for me - as in - a powerful idea or insight that will change my life. .
However, I still find myself doing this on a subconscious level. As if I am waiting for someone to say "Apple, you really should believe in those ideas, because they are powerful and they are true, and you will be better off if you do."

So what ideas are there to believe in that would make me a better person. Stronger, and trustworthy of my word?

Belief that god is good?
Belief in God?
Living with the feeling of absolutely knowing that things are getting better and better every day and that the best is yet to come?
living with the constant expectation of best is coming my way? Delicious expectation?

Elon Musk has this innate knowing that he is destined to do great things... "his greatest attribute is an ingrained belief that he has a seemingly heavenly decree"

Alexander the Great believed he was invincible and indomitable.

I am the only one in my world. I am not Alexander or Elon. I am Apple. What do I believe? What would I like to believe?

I believe I am a great software designer. I believe my software products provide the best user experience and most functional output ever. I know software.

My weakest belief is that I need to please everyone around me, that I am responsible for their happiness, and that if they are unhappy and making waves, I must have done something wrong and I must fix it.
My assumption is that I must keep the peace if I want to be happy.
So if I am happy and wife comes along to fight with me, I must bow down and make her happy before I can resume my happy state.
Man, am I ever fucked!

The thing is - when I am attacked, I can get aggressive. And so I lose my happy state, my balance, my peace. and let's face it, wife is forever finding things that are wrong that are my fault. Not sure they are my responsibility, but in her eyes, I am to blame.
I need a strategy to deal with her level of unhappiness/disatisfaction.
and here is the thing - her list of demands is never ending, her list of complaints is un-ending.
So how do I deal with this?
I need a strategy.
1. I need distance.
2. I need to earn out - I need to have work that keeps me out and away. and money that keeps me safe from her complaints.

So software is the way.
Let me plan my product!

I am chemistry

My mood is the outcome of my chemistry

I affect my chemistry by:

1. Eating well or wrongly
2. Exercising
3. Swimming in the bracing cold Atlantic Ocean
4. Prayer
5. Strong thoughts
6. Taking action (even and especially when I do not want to)
7. Make a decision on how I want to feel and feel it.