clean for 70 days day two 26/9

26/9 day two
I did not make it afterall. Before going to bed I slipped and ate a handful of chili salt flavor crisps laden with oil. Oh yes, that was not a free fuckup. I paid the price in the form of sweating, dreaming, waking up totally fucked in the head and worse off for yoga. I really paid a heavy prce for a very mild and average treat.  

Now, today the world is upon my head with software issues with DM new version DLL and other heaviness of moving house and country and what the fuck not.
So to resolve it all I had another espresso at melissas and then to round that off I had an awful apple tart at milano like a pig.
how I hate myself for this.
i feel like a wreck

Out of control and unhappy. not the energy of a VWM. 

who is it within me that keeps on pushing me to break myself. how far can i go until i push myself over the limit and into the void. who wants that for me?
who is it within me that likes me to be greedy for bad mood food. bmf
own up reveal yourself so that I can shoot you
but you are me
so i cannot do that  
see what I am trying to do here is write the operfect sentence that will sustain me we temptation arises and my defences are down
but i know that i am trying to do somehting impossible. because in the heat of the moment, the sentence fails me, and the food overcomes me.
so there is no way
i have to make a decision.
but when i make a decision, i am immediately tested and i always fail
oh i am so trapped
and lost
and so low
a miserable wretch

i want to run away from myself, the world, everyone
but i cannot, because people need me here
ben needs me, heidi and humphrey need me
i cannot be unfaithful
they need me
i am not loved
i am needed
i need to be loved by myself, for myself
but i am unworthy because i eat like a pig

all i am asking for is to be clean for 70 days
and now i have to start over. i have already slipped
pick myself up 
start again
i need to do this not for myself, but for my kids
i need to be great for them
i cannot be great if i am an undisciplined eating wanking sob
i can be great if i eat clean, yoga daily, tefillin daily, and bring the VWM to the fore.

i am the elephant being pushed up a hill by helen
i want ot be the self pwered VWM flying up up and away powered by myself
i need to know what i want
for myself
and i need to know that i am here for my kids and i am the man they can rely on 

what this amounts to is me - where do i want ot be in 10 years from now. doing what, being who? i need to work at something in order to attain it
10 years of great eating will get me there - yes - but only if i have a goal i love
god i am so lost
is it to be a world class blogger?
what the fuck is that?
how does that pay the rent
and how do i write stuff that is positive, not negative
that is a pipe dream
what is a real dream? solid
what is solid about me

what do i really really really want for me?
for me myself i
is it to be a great dad?
what does that take?
i need to be a VWM to be a great dad
it takes a lot of money
how do i get to be great at something?
practice
question is - practice what?
for what?
what can i do that i can excel at because i want to excel at it?

i need god to tell me, show me, guide me
because i am blank
i just do not know

oh yes, give me nothing
as in - time to do nothing
that is what i want
and so i will have nothing to show
because no effort means nothing to show

i need to do what i can do well and share with others.

i could help others ]but helen would laugh at my efforts
unless i do it properly
what help could i offer?
i need to lead by example

eat clean
yoga
prayer
vision

then next level beat
 i need to represent the thing i am talking about

i need to live it
then i can lead by example
at the moment i want to lead by advice
fuck yeah
who is going to listen to a fucking addict?

actually thw world is populated by 99.9% addicts
so i am not alone
but i need to break free and experience freedom from addiction

no coffee ?
no, tha tis not the thing
just clean my act up

clean and strong
that is me
lead by my own example

 see this does inspire me
because i love clean energy
feeling great with clean energy


so i am saying clean chemistry is a an end in itself
if i am chemicially good then life is good
that is my premise
and that is my promise
then i can sail 
then i can fly
then i will not be the obstacle that i need to get over
because life is not an obstacle course
but i can be

I just at 4 drumsticks. ravenous.
i want to inspire people. i love being inspired by the creativity of other people.
can i do the same with 10,000 hours of practice?
practicing what though?
practicing discipline?
i am so tame
what can a tame man share that is creative and inspiring or entertaining?



 

Clean for 70 days - day one 25/9

25/9 day one
I made it.
I was totally fucked, recovering from yesterday's binge. 
Yes, I am governed by my chemistry, and my chemistry is governed by several things, of which the food I eat is one.
And I know that I eat bad food for me because I do not know what to do with myself.
But I do know tht eating bad good makes me a failure for my boy.
Eating well is not the be all and the end all, but eating badly is the end all.
So my life is not perfect f I eat perfect, but my life is totally fucked if I eat badly.

I am an addict. One taste des it all. One bad thing leads to another
Part of me wants em to get sick from eating badly to tach me a lesson so I will never do it again. but i WILL. So that is not going to do the trick.
I want to go for 70 days clean.
Se what happens.
I do not know
all i do know is this - if i eat badly for the next 70 days, i will fuck my life up. 
i will not be inspired, i will not be a vwm, nor have the vision of being a vwm.

26/9 day two
I did not make it afterall. Before going to bed I slipped and ate a handful of chili salt flavor crisps laden with oil. Oh yes, that was not a free fuckup. I paid the price in the form of sweating, dreaming, waking up totally fucked in the head and worse off for yoga. I really paid a heavy prce for a very mild and average treat.  

Now, today the world is upon my head with software issues with DM new version DLL and other heaviness of moving house and country and what the fuck not.
So to resolve it all I had another espresso at melissas and then to round that off I had an awful apple tart at milano like a pig.
how I hate myself for this.
i feel like a wreck

Out of control and unhappy. not the energy of a VWM. 

who is it within me that keeps on pushing me to break myself. how far can i go until i push myself over the limit and into the void. who wants that for me?
who is it within me that likes me to be greedy for bad mood food. bmf
own up reveal yourself so that I can shoot you
but you are me
so i cannot do that  
see what I am trying to do here is write the operfect sentence that will sustain me we temptation arises and my defences are down
but i know that i am trying to do somehting impossible. because in the heat of the moment, the sentence fails me, and the food overcomes me.
so there is no way
i have to make a decision.
but when i make a decision, i am immediately tested and i always fail
oh i am so trapped
and lost
and so low
a miserable wretch

i want to run away from myself, the world, everyone
but i cannot, because people need me here
ben needs me, heidi and humphrey need me
i cannot be unfaithful
they need me
i am not loved
i am needed
i need to be loved by myself, for myself
but i am unworthy because i eat like a pig

all i am asking for is to be clean for 70 days
and now i have to start over. i have already slipped
pick myself up 
start again
i need to do this not for myself, but for my kids
i need to be great for them
i cannot be great if i am an undisciplined eating wanking sob
i can be great if i eat clean, yoga daily, tefillin daily, and bring the VWM to the fore.

i am the elephant being pushed up a hill by helen
i want ot be the self pwered VWM flying up up and away powered by myself
i need to know what i want
for myself
and i need to know that i am here for my kids and i am the man they can rely on 

what this amounts to is me - where do i want ot be in 10 years from now. doing what, being who? i need to work at something in order to attain it
10 years of great eating will get me there - yes - but only if i have a goal i love
god i am so lost
is it to be a world class blogger?
what the fuck is that?
how does that pay the rent
and how do i write stuff that is positive, not negative
that is a pipe dream
what is a real dream? solid
what is solid about me

what do i really really really want for me?
for me myself i
is it to be a great dad?
what does that take?
i need to be a VWM to be a great dad
it takes a lot of money
how do i get to be great at something?
practice
question is - practice what?
for what?
what can i do that i can excel at because i want to excel at it?

i need god to tell me, show me, guide me
because i am blank
i just do not know

oh yes, give me nothing
as in - time to do nothing
that is what i want
and so i will have nothing to show
because no effort means nothing to show

i need to do what i can do well and share with others.

i could help others ]but helen would laugh at my efforts
unless i do it properly
what help could i offer?
i need to lead by example

eat clean
yoga
prayer
vision

then next level beat
 i need to represent the thing i am talking about

i need to live it
then i can lead by example
at the moment i want to lead by advice
fuck yeah
who is going to listen to a fucking addict?

actually thw world is populated by 99.9% addicts
so i am not alone
but i need to break free and experience freedom from addiction

no coffee ?
no, tha tis not the thing
just clean my act up

clean and strong
that is me
lead by my own example

 see this does inspire me
because i love clean energy
feeling great with clean energy


so i am saying clean chemistry is a an end in itself
if i am chemicially good then life is good
that is my premise
and that is my promise
then i can sail 
then i can fly
then i will not be the obstacle that i need to get over
because life is not an obstacle course
but i can be




 

One mouthful at a time

You should know this - it is entirely possible to ruin my life, one mouthful at a time.
One impulsive bite leads to another.
I can seriously ruin my chemistry and ability to feel good by postponing the discipline of good eating habits.


When will I come clean?
right now. I am clean since the start of today, 25-9-2013

ignore the temp dips. keep on being clean

Before I came to earth

Before I came to earth, I knew I would have amnesia. So the long list of intentions that I had have been translated into blank space. And now I need to fill that space with good things.
good feelings > poor feelings.
that is my job.
maintain awareness, and if there is a bad feeling, gently nudge it out. do not react by chemically looking for an answer in the form of somehting to eat. do not pacify me. just remain aware. if i am tired or lethargic, so be it. know that it will pass, and my energy will return. my power dip is temporary. do not make it lastlonger by eating bad things. instead,
1. be aware
2. think of somehting nice, antying that makes me last lnger

Perfect chem

I want my chemistry to be perfect. then I can take perfect action and feel good feelings. effortlessly.
but I keep fucking up and eating foods that take me down.
and no matter my resolve, indeed, if I set myself a goal here, I am guaranteed to break the resolve withing a few hours. the very acto f setting a goal makes something within me rise up and crash it down.
so i cannot set the goal of perfection. i just have to go for feeling good >50%.
so have an affirmation that I can apply that makes me feel good.
what would that affirmation be.

this moment cannot govern the next

Try as I might, I cannot write something here that will automatically apply when I am tested.
Each moment I choose anew.

But I can remember I am forever trying to capture the insight of a PM with the intention of applying it to the FM.
Giving myself pristine advice made of powerful stuff now, eloquently written, in the hope that I will listen to my own advice when the mood is low and I am confronted with a delectable choice of food.

It has never worked.

I have not once made it through even 7 days of pristine eating. 

there are many reasons for this lack of follow through

Mainly I do not believe

i.e. I do not really believe that my life will change and I will achieve my goals if I abstain entirely from the downer foods. And yet as I write this, I want to try. 
I blame it upon undefined goals. goals that are impotent, and not exciting enough. an unerlying current of belief that I am going to be interfered with by helen, and she will nto let me have what I want, so I may as well interfere with myself and be in control of that. and life interferes too. so in the end. like right now, i cannot finish this train of thought because my quiet space has been invaded. i never get the quiet space because i do not wake up early enough. i just want to run. right now, get out and run.
i have training videos to make. i am not in the mood for that. i want to go shopping. anything. walking. but not working. island hopping. eating. sleeping. reading. not work though. 
you get what you want by giving love. the tipping point is when you have 51% go(o)d feelings. then you get what you want, not by hard work, but by the grace of god. it is the law. i have yet to implement it. it inspires me, but I have not done it.

see my definition of hard work is when i do not have to overcome myself.
hard work is overcoming my low energy state; my negative feelings; my lethargy
hard work is lethargy; having to do actions in when I am lethargic.

And I am lethargic when I eat foods that are knowingly going to take me down. i do this why? because in that specific moment I have no vision, no belief, and i am so down that only junk can pick me up.

and so in this moment here I resolve never to eat junk food again.
not
ok, so try switch to >50% good feelings. notice, 100% is not required. Just 51%.
thinking good.
ok, so here is a good through that leads to a good feeling: I am a VWM.
I am a very wealthy , happy man.

Staying the course

I have never been able to maintain the complete abstinence from eating foods that interfere with my energy for more than a few days in a row. Never a complete week, ever mind 10 days. I always wreck it. 
Why can I not listen to myself?
I believe I can 'get away with it'
I think I need to 'live a little'
I tell myself I 'will start tomorrow'
I feel so shit any way that I may as well eat shit right now
I lost the vision, or indeed, I do not have the vision
Or sometimes I eat shit and feel good afterwards
I need to feel good, so I eat shit for instant gratification

SO if I set myself a 10 day goal, what can I do to maintain it? Because I know that the feeling good feeling I hace rtight snow after coffee and cheesecake will not last and I will find myself weak and in a place that temptation calls loudly to me so I need to have a vision that is indeed stronger than tempation.
Oh ye of little faith.
Why is my vision so uninspiring that it cannot keep me on the lighted path to being a VWM?
Because no matter what I say, chemicals override my ability to feel good, and to feel like I am a VWM. Even when I try and channel energy from my god given sources.

maintain the vision
and know that the vision is not so far off into the future
and it is mine
I have to do it my way
not look at other people and say they ate shit and they are rich

Boat stays on top no matter the waves, keep the water out by keeping the chemistry

so what vision can I cling to then?
KNOW THAT IT IS MINE
it is my rule, and it is one that I must live by
without excuse
maintain the integrity of my own rule
it is god given
no man has imposed it upon me
i know it for myself

And tha this is my story
And that I must keep to the truth of my story.