My son

Ben is my son
I have done nothing for his future 
I have set no example
i am just carrying on
I am not the VWM, I am not the VWD, the VWF
I am a small man
and Ben would not look up to me

Indeed, he will look at me and just think - so he had me;
that is all

I need to be an example

Is it too late?
I am 50
I have 20 years until Ben is 21
I have 20 years ntil I am 70
I am in good shape
that is my blessing
so I can do somehting real in the next 20 years
and the next 10 too
what is it?
i can start with today and end up with in 10 years time and say I followed through and I enjoed it
and I was good at it
and I leave a legacy
coffee or software
these are the two things

coffee takes capital
software takes me pushing developers to do stuff on spec
but i could put capital into the software too

coffee is good because it is physical
but it takes me employing people
and I am not good at leading people
in fact I am clueless
software is better suited
and more scaleable
because ok look at this
i could be a lone barista
or a lone develper
but i will reach more people with software

Desire

Desire
I need to have a desire
Worthy of pursuit
that activates me
for I see that I assume I will be here tomorrow,
So why do anything today?

I need a project that fills my time, and feels worthy and helps make a difference

look at the google guys
they made it easy and efficient to search the net
they helped me
I want to do the same thing
what would I be qualified to do in that realm?

see, helping others does not mean charity
working is helping
whenever you make another persons life easier, you have created someting new and helped them
and then you can help others in charity as well
 

I want

If I believe that there is a God, then there is
and if I beleive that there is no god, then there is no god
and this is true for me
and it will be how I experience Life

and I know that I experience Life as a diret result of what I put in
and because i like to cruise, I very often feel very little
and then I eat a lot
because I feel emptiness, a void

and I try control my eating by writing this blog
but all my insights amount to nought
because i have not changed the things I do
because I have not made a decision about what I want to do
for myself
for myself

I am selfish, and yet I am not
and yet I am
but selfish as I am, I never get to do what I want to do
I believe that no matter what I do, Helen will stop me from doing what I really want to do
Okavango, surfing on an island, being a barista (really?)

Part of me does not want to try harder because no matter how hard I try, the life I live will not be the life I want to live, so I may as well just be happy with the way I live now, and maintain the status quo. I do not want to move on. I want to do nothing. do the minimum. 
But in fact, life, I know is about change, and I will never be allowed to stay the same. i might die trying. Part of me wants to die anyway so who cares.
but I speak today from that part of me that has some life left.

See I am not a driven man.
I am not out to prove anything to anyone.
Quite the opposite.
I am here to do nothing, prove nothing, just live on a chemically perfect high
Joke
I took a Demazin 10 mins ago to do just that - or to allow me to think clearly enough to make a plan and shift myself.

But let me be honest. Let me know, for myself, what it is I would love to do with my life here on earth right now.
Nothing.
OK
Besides nothing
eat
spend
travel
shop
ie nothing
no contribution
really Ivan? Is that me?

No. I love giving. I love making people feel good about themselves.
I really do.
But how do I make a living like that.
What do I need to do anyway?
Fuck I am lost.

I will now go and put on Tefillin.

I still must speak to Sue, Blessing, Montessori
the pressure of Helen
I seek to escape that
but then what?
I sink
really, left to my own devices, would I sink?
without a plan, yes, I will sink
i need to elevate
 say the shema
say the b'tifarah
come on Ivan.
don the Tefillin

then come back here.

 

Am I selfish?

Clean 70 Day 6

Alas, I failed myself.
Yesterday was a disaster.,.
after getting up and out of bed by Ben at 04h30 and enjoying the silence ofthe day and seeing the light as far as small treats go, I went and backlashed and ate myself like a pig, all the Ostrich in the freezer, and i did not even enjoy eating it, but finish the huge double portion, I did.
I went to bed feeling stuffy and woke up stuffed.
I am not feeling good. I feel like small things are huge things.
I have to give notice on Buxton today. Deal with Blessing. Go to Montessori Stepping Stones. Gosh. 

I keep getting the insights, and then I still keep fucking myself up in a differnt way.
I do not know what to do with myself.
I feel guilty, a vague sense of guilt, gnawing away at me. I do not know what is it from.Fear based. Not doing enough. Cruising. Not getting out of my comfort zone actively. I want to lie back and chill.Leave me a lone. Cut me out. Leave me alone, but do not leave me. Stay with me and stay out of my space.

I am driven to write because I know that as much as I write I am driven to eat like a pig and stuff myself up and do myself in, and I do not know why. I feel so empty inside.
tee hee

why does this emptiness arise?
because I not doing anything fulfilling with my time, with my life
I am indeed going through the motions
and I have made eating my goal
and so what of it
when i am on my deathbed will I say I was a disciplined eater and so I go peacefully now
what do i need to do
pray harder
better more?
earn more?
do more of what?
do less of what?
do something totally new?

i am lost
back to being lost
please god, find me
keep me
show me
no i am fearful of being shown for i may not like what is found, and what needs to be done
and it is all so meaningless - i fear that it is all for nothing in the end
wow
i am fearing that whether i am good or bad, in the end, it makes no difference
but i do not believe that really
and yet i do not want to change

my comfort zone is where i want to be
leave me alone in my space 

see i want to eat clean so i do not feel bad
but perhaps i feel bad because i am bad
face  that
or perhaps i need to pray 
and become good

Energy transformation

All we do here is transform energy. All the energy that exists we change into a new creation.

So transform the energy I am given that is activated within me, and which flows through me when I see the VWF Very Wondrous Female/Form, and do not release it but re-flow it through me and transform it into the energy of  a VWM.

Earth
Energy always requires transformation here

 

Earth
Energy always requires transformation here

Little voice

The little voice in your head that says “have some” “have a bit more, you can handle it”

That voice – identify it – and then choose to not listen to it. It is a very clever voice, powered by the opposite yin/yang force. It is a necessary voice and it cannot be eliminated, but it does not have to be listened to – it can be heard, but I can choose to listen to the silent voice of vision.

Tune it out

Do not tune it to it. Do not seek it, then it will not speak. There is a part of me, the yin/yang part that calls the voice. And when it speaks, it is not the authority – it is just a voice I have tuned into to justify my natural craving for sweetness. Switch to sweet thoughts, not sweet foods.

Remember the voice of temptation often presents as a logical justification. And justification is always required when what I am about to indulge in is obviously wrong.

So listen to the little voice.

And then question it.

And do not follow what it says. I have a choice to say NO. and focus on VWM energy.

Go ahead

Like it a lot?

Have a little

Then you can have more later