Go ahead

Like it a lot?

Have a little

Then you can have more later

clean for 70 day 5

I was good yesterday
and today I am rewarded. 
Up at 04h30 thanks to Ben.
And feeling great.

Sushi salmon Takumi was very good. And no dessert :)
It pays divs

Keep the boat on top of the waves, eat well, maintain balance
not perfection
balance

there is more
this is a treat
and I can have more
but not all at once
no punishing me - all or nothing
rather, a little today and some more tomorrow

 

Balance, not Perfection

Balance, not perfection - That is the solution. I seek balance, not perfection.
I seek balance that allows me to take solid action and maintain my vision.

So in terms of my 70 days of perfect eating, stop that nonsense.
Go for 70 years of balanced eating.
Have a treat. Keep it neat.

Simple mantra - there is more where that came from, and I can have more - tomorrow. 
This is not my last bite, it is a bite in the flow of things.

Have a little, and I can have a lot more.

I will always have treats. Keep them small, and I will retain my balance.
But no bread please. Even small amounts have a large effect.

 

clean for 70 day 4

OK, so last night I had a cold coming on.
Thick throat to swallow, and temp
I am ok today, got away with it for now

i had coffee at 3pm,
and a bit of cheese cake

my body is tired (was tired) but perked up right now

thing is, maybe perfect clean is not the answer
just keep the balance so that each treat is small, and it is not my last
i will allow another
no need to test the limit nor go overboard
just give me a bit and then tell me there is more tomorrow
keep the balance is the trick
this is food not heroin
no cold turkey
just food

so tiny treat
stay within the limit
keep the balance
see how the VWM returns
and keep the energy driving through me
copy paste the given gift of pussy energy
do not waste it
flow it through me
love pussy
and let my energy flow

can I get away with it?

I see that I am always testing how far I can go.
If I eat this thing, can I get away with it.
If I do this or do not do that, can I get away with it?

the answer is balance.
so do not seek to get away with it.
just get the balance right.
i tend to go overboard, out of balance.

so if I can contain the treat, and know I can have another
then do not eat as if it is my last time ever
so i go nuts because this is the last time and then no more

rather know there is more
if i have a little today, there is more tomorrow

my body can handle that.
my mind needs to learn that.

such an amazing world

I live in such an amazing world. And I waste so much of it, going through the motions, killing time. Eating my way through the day. Struggling with trivial things in the name of daily survival. 
And the struggle is really chemical. When my chemistry is out, I resonate on a level that is flat. And I feel so hopeless really.
And yet last week I was a VWM, I tasted it. And today there is nothing. I put myself in the hole by eating like a pig. I don't give myself a chance. I keep testng to see how fat i can go until i make myself sick. punishing me in the eye. what drives this insane behaviour? lack of vision. lack of drive. i do not know what to do with myself. i am so lost. i need to be driven. but i am not driven. i see only as far as the next mouthful. 

turn it around. 
i am an explorer. yay. i go to machu picu and climb the mts in peru. 
actually i would rather go surfing on an island. 
when all is said and done i would really love to win the lotto. that is my salvation. becasue then i can afford to feel tired and lost. see when i am like this i feel scared, vulnerable to the attacks of helen.

 i just want to be left alone when i am low
and i am low
flatliner
me
even the slightest blip is an obstacle 

clean for 70 days day 3 27/9

How did I fare yesterday?
I had an apple tart (small , not satisfying pastry, certainly far from worth it) and another cup of espresso (also shitty).
I took strain fighting an impending strep throat.
I am so lost, it is not funny.
Bad space.
I need help.

ok, turn this around.
I woke up today 6.30, yay, shower, yoga (I tried for 20 mins)
felt fine egg, then coffee. now no longer.
the coffee took me down for sure.

i am so lethargic. scared of my heaviness. scared. all i want is to be left alone

turn it around.

I am a VWM. I know how. I have been there. I am poised to come right.
i am the whole world.
helen is going to be on my case today because i am low and we need to make decisions. where to live. which house, which country. god help me please. really.