I like to be verified. Legitimized. Why is that? what is it with me that I feel that I am not legitimate. Some part of me always seeking to prove my innocence. Some part of me always informing me that I am really guilty. there is an entity within that feeds off this guilt. it is my job to have the strength to be a leader and say NO! I am no putting up with this shit. I am the one. I am good. Good enough. Good enough to be loved.
Loved by god.
not that I know what love is. not that I know what god is. But I know these words and I want them to become true. i know only this to be true - discipline works. maintaining my chemistry works. do it through eating, exercising, and prayer. prayer is the hardest one, because i cannot feel much when i pray. i feel as if i am going through the motions. this is because prayer is silent. and god does not speak to me in words. god does not need my ears. god shows, he does not tell. people usually tell, they do not show. showing is hard. telling is easy. god shows. i need to recongnise that.
god is either everything, or nothing. i know god is everything. but still i feel myself lacking.
one good thing is this - do not think prayer. think gratitude. connect to god through gratitude, through fullness of heart in gratitude. that is the better way. prayer is like this - it is asking god. gratitude is like this - it is feeling thankful, not saying thankyou, but feeling great for being fulfilled by the gifts of god. and what is that gift? awareness. that is the primary gift. choose this day what you want to be aware of.
the getting, the taking, the asking
I am a taker. I do not ask. Because I do not believe. Therefore I take. If I asked, believing, then I would not be taking. I take for myself. Try this - ask for my family. Ask that I may be empowered to take right action that results in my giving my family what they need. And that I may feel god and feel good in the act of delivery.
I take because I am impatient. I cannot wait.
I take because I can, and in the wild, the strong will take and the meek will inherit fuckall.
more than anything, i am chemistry, for that is the way i am enabled to feel.
so i focus on food and exercise. but i have experienced the great chemistry of love. in my mind i have anyway lol! see i know that spirit makes my chemistry change. but i seek to control my chemistry through the physical because i am weak at the spiritual. but i am writing now to help change this.food and exercise take discipline. prayer takes faith. faith takes acceptance that god is aware of me. because i think that i am invisible to god. he doesn't know me. doesn't know who i am. so i can swear and cheat and he is unaware. but of course i am aware and i feel bad. and something inside of me feeds off that and makes me weak. but i am strong. i return to prayer. the discipline of prayer. perhaps the act of prayer works even if i am just going through the motions according to the judgement of my critical mind.
the hardest part of prayer is the deafening silence of god at the time of prayer. perhaps it is well to think of prayer as building the pipeline. it flows, but there is a passage of time. yes, god is immediate and omnipresent, but in my world, there is the passage of time. and prayer sets in motion things that are invisible to me at the time, but become real in good time. mine is to pray, and to keep up with the discipline of prayer the best i know how. when i pray it is not to ask for things (although it really is in the end) what i am really doing in prayer is to remind myself that i am not god, that god is god.
see i love software so much because there is magic in it. the code is invisible (to me) and the current that the software requires is invisible too. but when i type, i get what i expect. instantly. and i like that. with prayer, i have to set my expectations aside. and simply follow the discipline of prayer.
yes, that is the love of software - the invisible made visible. i type, therefore i am. i type and it appears on the screen. i touchtype and there is magic in my fingers finding the right keys without me looking :-) there is tremendous satisfaction in that.
yes, that is the difficulty of prayer. dealing with a critical voice that says god is not listening because i am doing it all wrong. tee hee, i want to hear the voice of god in response to my prayer, but all i hear is the inner voice criticising and doubting. the discipline of prayer is to do it anyway. and remember - to be engaged in gratitude as i go through the day - that is connection with god, that is going to make good things happen and continue happening, flowing through me effortlessly. pray so that i am grateful. let that be the REASON i set myself to pray. pray simply that i may feel gratitude. and be grateful that i am really good, and then i will become so.
