An espresso a day

My body can handle one double espresso per day. I look forward to it for 24 hours, and then drink it in 2 minutes and wonder what all the fuss was about. I love making it. The perfect bean the perfect grind. I cannot allow an anonymous barista to make it for me with substandard beans that they claim to be 100% organic arabica. I have to make it myself. The wrong bean will not hit the spot. In fact it may fuck me up for the next 24 hours. Coffee is chemistry, and my chemical balance is a fine one. I cannot risk some non-chalant overstressed barista to pull me a shot of espresso that has a thin crema, with coffee that is bitter thin and black. I want chocolate brown, hazelnut brown crema, so thick that it penetrates my soul. tee hee. my soul indeed. after all coffee goes where no other drink can go. it takes me where no other drink can take me. drink it with respect. have a second cup, and tomorrow I feel flat. coffee will not pick me up, it will fuck me up. it's not all in the head, it's in the body. try as I might, my head cannot override my body.

 I have of course pushed the envelope. And paid for it. not once, but countless times. I am stubborn. I believe in mind over matter. but that is for the self help new age author to convince me of. I fell for it. Because I wanted to . I wanted to believe. But my body does not fall for belief. It lives by chemistry. Prayer is spiritual, and it can change my chemistry. But that takes a certain discipline. Belief is not the same as prayer. It took me some time to recognise that. I am a lazy prayer person. Probably, i do not know how to pray at all. i know in theory. but in practice I am clueless. or useless. or not disciplined enough. or i put too much effort into it.. whatever. coffee delivers. prayer, not always. but I am not giving up. one sec. i am going to pray again. hah!
i want to pray for the winning lotto numbers. i know there is no such prayer. but for this i pray. crazy i know. but winning the lotto for me is proof that prayer works. note - i did not say proof that god exists. i know god exists. let me say this, i know that god made the world. but maybe he does not exist in the way i perceive existence. he exists in a more subtle way. for instance, i know that i will not hear the voice of god with my ears. but that does not mean god does not communicate with me. perhaps he does it through this keyboard. he flows through me. he is the life that inhabits my body. and i am the awareness. anyway, this is not what i want to be talking about right now.