Other people

Other people
Some of them think they own you.
who are they?
they are usually family members
they might be your wife, your kids, your husband or your mother in law
Your job is to own yourself
To do this you need to drink more coffee and drive faster
or maybe you need to slow down and take it easy
own your space
if they won't find you there
but when you are quiet they come looking
start complaining you're not doing enough
and when you are doing things, you're not doing them the right way
not earning enough money, looking after the kids, or just being plain selfish
where is this space
i need it NOW

 

The winning lotto numbers

Do they exist in advance, or do they come into being only when the machine is spun.
Either way, does it make a difference? As if I can travel forward in time, retrieve the winning numbers and come back again.
And if they exist now, it's not as if I can summon them from the ether into my mind.
It's a game my mind likes to play.
And my mind likes to tell me I can be a winner.

It's an escapist thing I know. But I happen to like it all the same.

An espresso a day

My body can handle one double espresso per day. I look forward to it for 24 hours, and then drink it in 2 minutes and wonder what all the fuss was about. I love making it. The perfect bean the perfect grind. I cannot allow an anonymous barista to make it for me with substandard beans that they claim to be 100% organic arabica. I have to make it myself. The wrong bean will not hit the spot. In fact it may fuck me up for the next 24 hours. Coffee is chemistry, and my chemical balance is a fine one. I cannot risk some non-chalant overstressed barista to pull me a shot of espresso that has a thin crema, with coffee that is bitter thin and black. I want chocolate brown, hazelnut brown crema, so thick that it penetrates my soul. tee hee. my soul indeed. after all coffee goes where no other drink can go. it takes me where no other drink can take me. drink it with respect. have a second cup, and tomorrow I feel flat. coffee will not pick me up, it will fuck me up. it's not all in the head, it's in the body. try as I might, my head cannot override my body.

 I have of course pushed the envelope. And paid for it. not once, but countless times. I am stubborn. I believe in mind over matter. but that is for the self help new age author to convince me of. I fell for it. Because I wanted to . I wanted to believe. But my body does not fall for belief. It lives by chemistry. Prayer is spiritual, and it can change my chemistry. But that takes a certain discipline. Belief is not the same as prayer. It took me some time to recognise that. I am a lazy prayer person. Probably, i do not know how to pray at all. i know in theory. but in practice I am clueless. or useless. or not disciplined enough. or i put too much effort into it.. whatever. coffee delivers. prayer, not always. but I am not giving up. one sec. i am going to pray again. hah!
i want to pray for the winning lotto numbers. i know there is no such prayer. but for this i pray. crazy i know. but winning the lotto for me is proof that prayer works. note - i did not say proof that god exists. i know god exists. let me say this, i know that god made the world. but maybe he does not exist in the way i perceive existence. he exists in a more subtle way. for instance, i know that i will not hear the voice of god with my ears. but that does not mean god does not communicate with me. perhaps he does it through this keyboard. he flows through me. he is the life that inhabits my body. and i am the awareness. anyway, this is not what i want to be talking about right now.

Ask one question

There is only one question to be constantly aware of as you sail through the day:
"What do I expect?"
If you know what you expect, then you are connected. At least, you feel connected.
If you do not know what you expect, then you feel disconnected; lost.
You can expect long term things, and short term things and immediate things. 
Expectations though, are not things, they are feelings.
You set the tone for what you get by having an expectation.
A constant expectation is going to deliver the experience you expect in one form or another.

So always be asking :What do I expect? Of the meeting ahead, the day, the year, the person I am with, the person that I am, the world at large. Be aware. If you want to change, then change your expectations. To change them, be aware of them.

Know thy expectations

 

Ebb and flow, and life patterns

One day in 2007, I wrote this:

Today I woke up tired.

I had so much energy yesterday, it seems I burned it all up. A little bit of balance is required. I don’t really know how to handle all that wonderful energy. But at least I did not douse it by eating heavy stuff.

Today is 21 Jan 2013:
Same thing happened. It keeps happening. And so what of it? One day energetic, the next few days, tired. Allow it. It is the way of the ebb and the flow.

mind over matter

Or is it me, overdoing the food that makes me tired. Indulging in foods that fuck me up, and all the while, hoping to get away with it - mind over matter etc. It never works of course. The matter always conquers the mind in the long term. Passion and inspiration are mere blips in the flow of life. Routine - good habits, are actually the things that do make a difference. Passion makes a difference only if it starts me off on a new routine that becomes entrenched as a daily habit.

A dream come true

Dream

Circa 2006

In my dream, (which I wrote down 6 years ago)
I met a fortune teller at a family friend's wedding.

And I did not want my fortune told.

But the guy/woman said:

He did not have to read it to me,

Because my fortune was clear:

I had no expectations

So I had no fortune

(I was empty of expectation

Therefore my fortune was empty)

Anyway, how cool are these fish?

Rescue by email

Ding! Is that the email message that will rescue me?
In the old days, I used to wait for a letter to arrive in the post.
Now it's an email. With each little email ding that I hear, I revive the hope that this is the one that will change my life into a wonderful one, rescue me from the fuck-up that I am, no, make that the fuck-up that I have created. I may have made many screw-ups, but I am not a screw up. I am designed to keep on searching for something that will spark me. Get me going, growing, inspired. Of course coffee inspires me. but that is inspiration borne of a chemical source. And what goes up must come down. Hence the addictive qualities of any substance that enhances the mood via chemical intervention.

Anyway, this email. what message do I expect it to contain? Click here to claim your grand prize of 50 million dollars? Or will it be an email to confirm that I have got the job, and it is a dream job. Right. A dream job. There's the perfect oxymoron.

Apple's story

Once upon a time there was a young man called Apple. He came from a long line of unsuccessful, unremarkable men. He himself was quite unremarkable, though he wouldn't have thought himself so. He rather claimed himself to be special. Inwardly at least anyway. Outwardly, to the world he was indeed, unremarkable. Quite forgettable really. And yet, he was not so far out of touch with reality that some part of him suspected that he was beginning to fade. The young man was turning 50, and he was beginning to wonder. And tire. Was he ever going to amount to anything? Did life begin at 50?

He knew that life began every day. But how fresh did it begin? It began with yesterday's baggage. Try as he might, the baggage did not get any lighter. Indeed, he felt it become heavier. And with it, his wife's constant refrain that he was not good enough. Not doing enough. Not being enough.

Are you being enough? Asked the Koi. And Apple answered silently, to himself. I am lost. Quite lost. I wish that God would find me. But he won't until I find Him. One way is this - be grateful. Have gratitude for anything, let it live in your heart, and very soon, you will feel as if you belong in this world.

Do you believe that God is just an idea inside your head?

Do you believe?

Clarity - click here

This one holds promise

You gotta love this

And if at first

And if at first you don't believe
Have another espresso

Shh, do not be disturbed, This is a perfect moment. Allow it to count.

Double espresso

If at first you don’t succeed

Have another cup of coffee

The magic of Discipline

In the end none of it matters. I go home to God.

But whilst I am here it does matter.

I want to love the life I live.

There is no magic, there is only discipline.

But discipline leads to magic.

Want to feel good?

It takes discipline and focus.

Eat right (do not overeat good food, it will turn me bad)

Pray. I am not God.

I am awareness. I am not God, but I can be aware that I was once God, and will become God once more.

I can be one with God to the extent I am aware of God.

God is abstract. Love is real. God is Love. Practice Love.
Give love for the life that I am, the life that I have.
Gratitude is love
That is how to pray
Feel grateful, feel love for simply anything you choose
Just feel love
That is your true work here on earth