Remember to take the leadership role in my life. I am the only one in my body. I am a concentrated flow of energy circulating through my body.
If I am not leading, then I am on auto-pilot, and I am lost. Auto-pilot works only if I have a clear vision set of where I am going.
So yes, be on auto-pilot, for that is natural. But first, be the leader and set the vision. Auto-pilot will take me there. I will arrive.
I find myself here
I put myself here
Knowlingly
There is fear here
What will become of me
What example I am to my child
I do not admire myself at all
I need to be bigger, stronger,
A man of integrity
Oh help me please
I am lost
I know
let me count my money
set up a balance sheet
of where I am
and where I can be
and a plan to get me there
one step at a time
and it will all come together
I do not know
right now
that i am loved
god knows me i presume
but i am lost
i need to reconnect
So yesterday I took a Demazin and flew.
Chemistry rules OK.
Today, I had espresso breakfast and one at lunch.
Still flying. Surfing the wave. And ideas are coming. Mild anxiety, but only because I want to get things started. FreeMyMusic
Ask Donald - is there a market need, and am I the one to find the solution to the problem.
Yes, I say I am the one. Go to Word.
The truth is, I have being practical - as in making a practical plan to live my life by
I cannot plan anything really
I just want be here and let it all unfold
but what?
nothing unfolds without a vision, a plan
that is where change steps in
tomorrow will be like today, only different, because change has made it so
it may be the weather, the mood, the tides, the people around me
But if I have no determination
then I am subject the to the moods of others
and they will attack me because if I am undetermined, I am vulnerable
50, and still unformed, undecided, living without passion
But is it over? I am living with a silent, unspoken unacknowledged fear that I have allowed that says it is too late
too late to make anything of my life
I will die without power
without having lived a powerful life
i will have been here, gone through the motions
minimised the commotions
and disappeared
But there is Ben
There is my dogs
And there is Helen
And I am here,
and I am able
I need to know what to do that will form me
JK wrote a book
what can I do
I am not a corporate captain
I have no special skill or genius to share
I am ordinary
but I have one thing:
insight
uncommon insight
the fact that I have done nothing with it to date
the fact that I have not even dared do anything with it,
that is my failure
I have been given the gift of knowing
I know things about life,
and I have not lived the things I know
I have revelled in the moments of enlightenment
and promptly faded when time came to act
drifted
So I sit here asking
I am 50
what must I do with the next 10 years
when I am 60 will I be reading this wondering where the years went?
I will be the father of an 11 year old boy who will know that his father is lost
can I sit here now and find myself?
yes yes, I want to cut loose and run
and be free
but that is not the way open to me
please God, I know nothing
Please show me the way
Let it come to me and let me recognise it
I was born with the seeds of greatness
within
how can I be great
a Great man
I have wanted to be a VWM
but what about a GM
who do i think is great?
an orator?
was Hitler great?
churchill?
or sergey brin?
I take Sergey
But I have none of his qualities
I just love Google power
everything is connected
so connected
except me of course, I am disconnected
often
connect me!
please God, connect me
I don't believe God is hearing this plea.
So will I remain lost?
Will I turn to my own devices?
Look where I am now, and how that has worked
chemistry will take me there
but where am I headed?
I need to be clear - where am I going?
what do I want
I want to sit here and write this shit
is it shit? Is it useful?
God knows
But I do not know God
Nah, not true, I do, sometimes
I see the spotted eel, and I hear the chirping birds before the morning light
So all is not lost
I can be found
it is not too late
Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy to finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one area where I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter, and a big idea. And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
– J. K. Rowling, "The fringe benefits of failure", 2008.[50]
I know the power of chemistry upon the quality of the life I live
Why not share this?
I have ten years of practice
and it will still be relevant in ten years time
this is what I know:
- I am governed by my chemistry. when my chemistry is fucked, my life is fucked
- I can influence my chemistry and sometimes even control it
- Food
- Exercise
- Prayer
- Money - hope
In my case, I am most susceptible by food.
Like Maria Montessori, can I help people?
she went from being a doctor to being an educator
But she was always out there
and she was always used to being a leader a natural leader
I am not a leader
I am not powerful when I am out there
I am best when I am at my desk
can I help people from my desk?
Well, JK Rowling did
She entertained the world from her desk, from her coffee table in a shop
