Oops, I did it again

I am so annoyed with myself. Yesterday, riding high - today, crashing down chemically because I could not stand the high so I ate incorrectly, and ensured the high would crash and I would have to deal with chemicals instead of real life. I am such an irritating mechanism. I know everything, and I still insist on screwing up my energy.

Coffee hieroglyphics (similar to tea leaf discernment)

It's gold, but you can drink it

Marriage and romance

Love in marriage is seldom romantic. The relationship is governed by the question of money. It is a practical thing. Romance is not practical. Romance is idyllic. Infatuation is the bond at the beginning of a relationship. It is the sexual energy that brings us close. And then after that it is the practical stuff, that is not sexy. Love is closely related to survival in a married couple. You may find your wife sexy, but she will not be in the mood for sex because her mind is on the future, and the future depends on money. And money is a source of friction if there is too little. And if there is a lot, then there may be an imbalance of power. But I only know about to little. So there is a lot of friction, it is a constant, and it is always there.
Hollywood
I know Hollywood's portrayal of love is the romantic one, and even so, I find myself holding this to be the standard to strive for. Even though Hollywood does not reflect reality. Hollywood reflects the dream. But hark, it is a dangerous one, because it is a dream based on making movies, making money out of selling a story that people love to believe in. Even though I know Hollywood to be a story, it is a story I have accepted as true - i.e as based on 'the truth about love' when in fact, there is no such thing. there is God. God is love. Let that be my source of light and joy. and then when I interact with people, my relationships will improve.

Permesso!

The beauty of freedom of being is that I do not need to ask permission from others to believe in what I know to be true for me - as in - a powerful idea or insight that will change my life. .
However, I still find myself doing this on a subconscious level. As if I am waiting for someone to say "Apple, you really should believe in those ideas, because they are powerful and they are true, and you will be better off if you do."

So what ideas are there to believe in that would make me a better person. Stronger, and trustworthy of my word?

Belief that god is good?
Belief in God?
Living with the feeling of absolutely knowing that things are getting better and better every day and that the best is yet to come?
living with the constant expectation of best is coming my way? Delicious expectation?

Elon Musk has this innate knowing that he is destined to do great things... "his greatest attribute is an ingrained belief that he has a seemingly heavenly decree"

Alexander the Great believed he was invincible and indomitable.

I am the only one in my world. I am not Alexander or Elon. I am Apple. What do I believe? What would I like to believe?

I believe I am a great software designer. I believe my software products provide the best user experience and most functional output ever. I know software.

My weakest belief is that I need to please everyone around me, that I am responsible for their happiness, and that if they are unhappy and making waves, I must have done something wrong and I must fix it.
My assumption is that I must keep the peace if I want to be happy.
So if I am happy and wife comes along to fight with me, I must bow down and make her happy before I can resume my happy state.
Man, am I ever fucked!

The thing is - when I am attacked, I can get aggressive. And so I lose my happy state, my balance, my peace. and let's face it, wife is forever finding things that are wrong that are my fault. Not sure they are my responsibility, but in her eyes, I am to blame.
I need a strategy to deal with her level of unhappiness/disatisfaction.
and here is the thing - her list of demands is never ending, her list of complaints is un-ending.
So how do I deal with this?
I need a strategy.
1. I need distance.
2. I need to earn out - I need to have work that keeps me out and away. and money that keeps me safe from her complaints.

So software is the way.
Let me plan my product!