Setting me back

I know I am going to do it to myself again. But really, I wish I would not.

When I have 2 espressos:

1.       Yes I feel buzzed on the day.

2.       And then that night I do not sleep well. Restless, light sleep without rejuvenation.

3.       And then the next day I wake up late, fragile. Insecure. Shell shocked. Dizzy, weak. No strength, no power. Aged, wrinkled. No exercise. No will power.

4.       The time for will power is the time before I drink the poison. After that, I cannot cope. I am useless. Unhappy. Depressed. Too tired to be in Provence.

5.       I am destroying Provence with a second espresso.

Is it worth it?

No. Even with a high of yesterday? NO! Not worth it. It is like taking one leap up, and then falling down a flight of stairs. Bump bump crash to the bottom.

Undercurrent

5 mins of mediation has allowed me to become aware, and then face the constant undercurrent of negativity that flows through every moment of every day, sapping the joy of living my life in the moment, making me constantly anxious, sapping my energy.
The negative flow, the undertow, is the belief that I do not deserve this moment. I must work harder or I will lose this moment. I cannot be still. I must not be still or I will lose everything. I cannot sit back and enjoy the present moment, the circumstance I am in, or it will change and be lost forever in a maelstrom of lack.
the antidote is to remember this: just be the frequency I want. It takes discipline on all levels. Yes. at, sleep, exercise, mediate, talk nicely, listen carefully.
I feel vulnerable, that it is all too good to last.
OK. So use it. It presents itself to me. Use it as a reminder to resonate ever stronger!
Claim my strength, claim my wealth. Know my wealth. Mmm...

My strength is my frequency. My frequency is what I choose to resonate with.
So yes, there is the fear. But then use the fear, do not resonate with it - instead, resonate with strength, with wealth, with togetherness.